No Surprises Here

Sorry about the lack of updates. We have entered a busy season, and the blog has not been top priority. I am working full time for a while, and we are still trying to figure out puppy parenting in the other hours. In effort to keep you all updated, I may start just posting the thoughts that tumble around my head. That may or may not be any different than the rest of my posts, come to think about it.

Anyway, one thought I have recently been mulling over is that there are no surprises here. Nobody is going to come up to us and say, "Surprise! You have been approved to foster/adopt. We know you didn't apply, but you are approved anyway!" Yeah, that doesn't happen.

In order to adopt, we have to take steps. If we get caught up in a busy season, the process stands still. Unless we take action, nothing will happen. [Obviously, God could throw us a curveball, but it would not be adoption approval.]

We really want kids. We are very enthusiastic about adoption through the foster care system. At the same time, we are really tired and really busy and have an energetic puppy taking every last ounce of our time. So, nothing is happening on the family-building front. I think that's okay. I mean, when I calculate the distance to the big 3-0, my chest tightens a little. Thirty has been my deadline for a long time. I can't turn thirty without kids! Or maybe I can. We have approximately thirteen months to find out.

All of that to say, we have taken exactly zero steps toward foster/adoption approval. And I think that's okay. I will let you know when we do. Please continue to pray that God will place the children He has picked out into our family in the right way at the right time.

...and also, if we don't have kids in thirteen months, feel free to buy me ice cream, or black olives, or maybe a few sessions of counseling.

Not Thwarted, But Surprised

Our plans took a drastic turn last week. While traveling to and from the information session at the agency we planned to use, we realized that neither of us want to move forward with domestic infant adoption. First, we miscommunicated. Next, I cried in Arby's. Then, we went to the session. And finally, we talked through things and found ourselves in agreement.

After four months of planning on one thing, why the change? For one thing, we couldn't get away from these questions:

Are we seeking a child to meet our needs? 

OR

Are we seeking to meet a child's needs?

We both feel that our motives were not entirely right in focusing on infant adoption. Domestic infant adoption is less risky than other kinds of adoption, the children come with fewer problems, and so on. It would be the easiest for us. 

Over the past several months, God seems to have been changing our hearts. We recognize that our empty home gives us a unique opportunity to take in higher-risk children. Many people do not want to take in a child with baggage for fear of risking the stability of the children already in their home. While not wanting to jump into the most complicated, risky situation, we do want to make ourselves available to meet a child's needs. 

At the information session, our feelings were confirmed. With 68 families on the waiting list and only 30-40 adoptions happening each year, the need just was not there. Not to mention the $28,000 price tag. If we added ourselves to the list, it would be for us, not for the child. For us, it felt selfish. If we couldn't get a baby one way, we would get one another way doggoneit. Please hear me: I do not think domestic infant adoption is selfish for everyone. On the contrary, I believe that it is a beautiful thing. Right now, it doesn't feel right for us.

So, what are our plans? We want to be prepared to say yes to the right situation. So, our first step is to get home study approved. Since foster care is now on the table, we will likely go through the foster care approval process and then go from there. Honestly, this is a whole new direction for us, so we are still gathering information. For those of you unfamiliar with the many types of adoption, here are a few possibilities:

• Foster-to-adopt - Foster-parenting with the hope of adopting the child(ren). These children are not yet available for adoption, but may be soon.
• Adoption through the foster care system - Adopting a child or children whose parental rights have already been terminated.
• Private adoption - Adopting a child through personal connections.
• Something totally different that we haven't thought of yet.

Originally, foster care was not an option. After wanting children for so long, we thought it would be too hard for them to come and go. It will still be hard, but we do not feel called to easy. 

I am surprised about several things:

• Peace - We are both Type-A, ducks-in-a-row people. Domestic infant adoption through an agency seems to be the most straightforward type of adoption. When we opened the door to every other type of adoption, I would have expected us to panic. Rather, we feel a strange peace about the possibilities. 
• Agreement - In the past, we have not been on the same page with adoption. I could have been talked into nearly any kind of adoption; whatever it takes to get kids in our home PRONTO. [Not good. Don't try that.] C has been much more cautious. Right now, we are in agreement. 
• Excitement - Peace is one thing; excitement is an pleasant surprise. We know our family will grow in the way the Lord has planned and are fastening our seat belts for the ride. 

Please join us in prayer.

Waiting for My Plans to Be Thwarted

God is good. His plan is perfect, far better than anything I could come up with. I can trust Him.

God is good. His plan is perfect, far better than anything I could come up with. I can trust Him.

This is my mantra lately.

I have found myself holding my breath in preparation for my plans to be thwarted. Then, I find myself frustrated with God for thwarting my plans in ways that haven't even happened yet.

Ridiculous? Yes. Reality? Also yes.

You see, we are about to officially begin the adoption process. Our first agency meeting is on Thursday, and I find myself hesitant. I am so excited about adoption and want to get there already. However, other feelings have surprised me. After transitioning from TTC to adoption, I am totally on board with adoption and not at all on board with getting pregnant. After wanting something for so long, I am shocked to find myself hoping it doesn't happen. And yet, here I am.

Many months ago, I came across an infertility blogger who immediately got back on the pill after deciding to stop treatments. At the time, I thought she was crazy. Why would you want to remove the chance of getting what you want at a time you didn't plan? Now, I get it. I think it's about control for me. I want things to go my way.

We wanted to conceive, but thus far God has thwarted that plan. Nearly four years later, we have become excited to adopt, and God better not mess it up this time. Woah! My surprising feelings are revealing a lack of faith and trust in God.

God is good. His plan is perfect, far better than anything I could come up with. I can trust Him.

My husband and I worked through my feelings over dinner last night. Mostly, I threw "what ifs" at him, and he calmly responded.

Me: "What if we start the adoption process and then find ourselves pregnant?!"
Him: "Then, we would get excited about our miracle baby."

Me: "What if people had donated money to help us pay for adoption?!"
Him: "Then, we would put the money in a fund for a future adoption. Having a biological child would not remove our desire to adopt."

Me: "But, but, but..."

And so, with much trepidation on my part, we begin the process. Please pray for us. After struggling through an abundance of disappointments and delays, we would love for something to go well and fall into place. If nothing else, we would like to walk away from the meeting on Thursday confident that we do or do not want to work with that agency.

If our family grows through adoption, God is already bringing circumstances together that will lead to a child being displaced from his or her biological family. Adoption begins with this tragedy. It is messy and sad and beautiful and happy and a picture of the gospel. Our adoption will be these things. Please join us in prayer.

God is good. His plan is perfect, far better than anything we could come up with. We can trust Him.

God is good. His plan is perfect. We can trust Him.

This post is linked up with Amateur Nester's Infertility Link Up.

Tuesday Tidbits (or Where Have I Been?)

Blogging has been a major part of my routine for quite some time now. As you may have noticed, I haven't posted anything new for a while. Why? I have about 2,892 posts floating around in my head, but let me give you a few tidbits about life lately:

• June
• Bought our first house
• Attended a conference in Florida
• July
• Painted every interior wall of the house
• Painted the brown, wooden trim white throughout the house (2 coats of primer + 2 coats of paint = approximately 45,000 hours of painting)
• Moved out of an apartment and into the house
• August
• Worked on house projects
• Learned that the adoption agency we wanted to work with has stopped accepting applications for now (which is good for the families on the waiting list, but bad for us)
• Met our puppy
• September
• Enjoyed having my parents visit for a week
• Took day trips to several locations
• Searched thrift stores and antique shops with my mom
• Decorated many of the bare walls in our house 
• Brought home our puppy
• Instantly became sleep deprived
• Found flea on puppy (EEEWWW!!)
• Panicked!
• Flea-bombed, laundered, and scrubbed everything in sight
• Took puppy outside as often as possible in hopes of keeping floor clean and dry
• Cleaned floor over and over and over again...
• Taught now-flealess puppy to sit and to fetch
• Snuggled with the cutest puppy known to man
• Learned that the informational meeting at our back-up adoption agency has been postponed another week

Whew! Is that enough to justify a blogging sabbatical? 

Like I said, I have a lot of posts floating around in my head. They will be coming at you soon, but for now, just look at this adorable little life-disrupter.

Waiting for the Day

I can't even wait. Let's skip to this part, please.


Amazing Love from Eric & Jenna on Vimeo.

Inside the Tears

Infertility has messed me up in ways I don't even understand. Here's a glimpse into a struggle with myself:

Davy, why are you crying?
Because the tears are below the surface much of the time and sometimes they just spill over.

Don't you know that God is good?
Yes, He is. But I don't know what to do with that truth when it hurts. 

Are you believing that Jesus + Nothing = Everything, or have you decided that Jesus + Children = Everything?
If I had to choose between Christ and children, I would choose Christ. However, I feel confident that He has children for us. 

Seriously, why are you still crying?
I don't even know anymore. Maybe because people around me are having kids. People who didn't even know each other when we got married have kids now. People who got married after we started trying to conceive have two-year-olds and new babies. 

Would you want different for them?
No. I would not want anyone to go through pain like ours. Somehow, it still hurts.

It sounds like you are dealing with sins such as envy and selfishness.
Am I? I'm having a hard time distinguishing between godly sorrow and sin.

You should just trust in God's promises.
Okay, like this one from Psalm 128?

Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways!You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.
Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house;your children will be like olive shoots around your table.Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.

That one sure comes up a lot, but it doesn't seem to apply to us. Instead, it feels like salt in an open wound. Are we not part of "everyone"? Do we not fear the Lord enough?

Don't get caught up on that. The Bible includes several stories about barren women, and their barrenness is not due to lack of faith. Rather, it is for God's unique purposes.
Right. [Deep breaths]. 

I don't want to guess God's purposes, but have definitely thought about our future child(ren). We would probably not commit so much time and money into the infant adoption process if we had been able to conceive.
Sure, but we are just wasting time. The years are slipping by. 

The time is not wasted. If God has a specific child out there for us (and we believe He does), He needs to work every detail out accordingly. That child has a specific birthday, and every step of your process, from infertility to home study to approval to waiting, is pointing toward that day. You cannot go too fast or too slow. God has everything under control and is working out His perfect plan.
I know. I do trust Him, and I really look forward to seeing the plan unfold. But our arms are so empty. Our house is SO quiet. We feel so alone. 

You aren't.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.

This post is linked up with Titus 2sDay and the Infertility Link-Up. 

You Are Not Alone

I spent the weekend with 4,000 women. The conference was wonderful, but I will share more about that later. Today, I just want to remind you that you are not alone, whatever your struggle. The interactions I had with a variety of women reminded me of that fact. One woman recently experienced a miscarriage, one mother dealt with infertility for several years before having biological children, and her sister was adopted and has adopted through foster care. Another women is dealing with secondary infertility, yet another has walked through endometriosis and cervical cancer and is beginning the adoption process. And those were just the women I talked to! In a crowd of 4,000, there must have been many, many more.

Recognizing the similar struggles of these women also reminded me of the other struggles represented. The mother of a child with disabilities was not alone. The caretaker of aging parents was not alone. The widow was not alone. Every woman there had a struggle, and she was not alone. 

Let's live that way. Let's recognize the struggles of those around us. Let's be willing to be vulnerable with our own struggles. Let's encourage one another. We are not alone.

*This post was linked up with the Infertility Link Up.

From Isolation To Community

Lisa at Amateur Nester recently did a poll about openness during infertility. Some people are very open, but on an anonymous blog. Others tell just the people closest to them. As you can see from my blog, I am very open. I am the same way in person.

Obviously, different levels of openness are appropriate for different people. I just wanted to share today about the community that came from sharing my story.

Isolation is one of the most painful feelings involved in infertility. Sharing my story allowed me to connect with others who have gone through similar isolation. These connections took away the feeling of isolation. And good riddance!

When I first went public with the blog, I had at least seven ladies contact me within a few days. They included people I knew in college, friends of friends, and former coworkers. No matter our relationship before, we instantly had a camaraderie. And each of us suddenly felt less isolated.

I have gotten hugs from infertility sisters at church, chatted with them randomly in airports, and had countless conversations with people who get it. Yesterday, I was blessed by meeting someone in my area who has walked through infertility and is now in the adoption process.

Navigating infertility and adoption is so complicated and overwhelming. I cannot even describe the relief from learning that I am not alone. Others have walked this journey before (and ended up with children). Many are walking it now. Sharing my story has connected us. What a blessing!

How has sharing your story (infertility or otherwise) encouraged you?

This post was linked up with Amateur Nester Infertility Linkup, WholeHearted Wednesday, Share With Me, Lovely Thursdays, Essential Fridays, and Saturday Sharefest.

5+ Thoughts on Infertility and Adoption

We are in a strange place between infertility and adoption. Infertility has not left us, but we are not doing anything about it right now. Adoption has been decided upon, but we are not doing anything about it right now. In this in-between phase, several thoughts have been tumbling around in my head.

[I recently read a caution for bloggers to avoid publishing incomplete thoughts. I am warning you in advance: these thoughts are half-baked.]

• I think that God is wise to point us toward "paper pregnancy" rather than normal pregnancy. I am a nerd and actually enjoy paperwork. On the other hand, I do not enjoy medical procedures of any kind. Physical pain is not a particular favorite, either. So, paper pregnancy just might be the way to go. 
• The costs involved in adoption are staggering. A home study will be one of our first major expenses, costing around $4,000. I understand that labor and delivery costs just slightly more than that, but that's beside the point. The home study is only the beginning.
• We eagerly anticipate the day our child is placed in our arms. However, on or near that day, the placement fee will be due. Depending on the circumstances, the placement fee could be around $18,000. That is a lot of money. So, on one hand, we want the adoption process to go as quickly as possible. On the other hand, we need time to save and raise money. A lot of money. 
• I have been told to expect the final total to be around $30,000. Thirty thousand dollars. When I hear a number like that, I start to think, "Maybe we could have tried just a few more infertility treatments." Then I remember what infertility land was like. I hated it. I hated the procedures, the paralyzing thoughts, the illusions of control and lack thereof, the waiting. No part of me wants to go back to that.
• In some ways, the costs of infertility treatment and adoption may be comparable. For example, one round of IVF might cost $25,000, slightly less than adoption (I realize that treatments and various types of adoption have drastically different costs, so this is just an example). In another way, the costs are very different. With adoption, the majority of the expense is paid only when a child is placed in our arms. With infertility treatment, the costs may be small or they may stack up to $90,000 or more. We would have to pay for the treatment regardless of the outcome. So, we could have paid many thousands of dollars and still not end up with a child. To me, it felt like trying to fill a bucket that may or may not have a bottom. 

I know it's cliche, but I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone. My heart is heavy for the people I know still struggling through infertility treatments. This post is not meant to pressure anyone to stop treatments and pursue adoption. I think that adoption should not be pursued unless your heart is in it. If your heart is still in treatments, it's not time to adopt. My heart was not in treatments anymore. God seems to have pointed our hearts toward adoption at this time, but the agony of infertility does not quickly disappear. I believe that God used pain and struggle to change us. Eventually, we realized that adoption didn't feel like a back-up plan, but was instead an exciting option. I do not understand the methods, but I trust His plan.

This post is linked up with Amateur Nester's Infertility Linkup.

Adoption Is Not The Easy Way Out

I recently encountered the concept of "resolving" infertility. In my understanding, this resolution can be through eventually bearing children, through adoption, or through deciding to live a childless life. Basically, resolving infertility is moving on.

To some people, adoption seems like the easy way out. Let me assure you: adoption is many things, but easy is not one of them. The costs seem insurmountable, the paperwork endless, and the emotional risks just scary. Adoption means putting your heart on the line.

As we prepare to begin the process, new fears are surfacing. This weekend, we learned that our friends are going through a failed adoption. Is that in our future? We know that adoption is complicated and risky, but seeing one fall through made the risk more real. We have said that we don't feel strong enough for foster care. After so many years of longing for a child, we cannot imagine having one only to have him or her returned to a bad situation. A failed adoption must feel the same way.

Life involves risk. Period. Infertility treatments have risks. Adoption has risks. So, we press on. After hearing the sad news this weekend, I was encouraged by Psalm 94:18-19.

Yes, adoption is risky; however, many adoptions are successful. When I see families like the one in this video, I get so excited to see what God has for us. Our family is a blank slate right now. We are confident that it will not stay that way, and we pray that God gives us strength and wisdom on the journey. 

This post is linked up with: Faith and Fellowship Blog Hop, Monday's Musings, Winsome Wednesday,  Word Filled Wednesday, and A Wise Woman Builds Her Home.

Gotcha Day Will Come

When we first started TTC, I would often calculate nine months from the date: "If we got pregnant this month, we could bring home a baby around ___." For a while now, I have felt that conceiving and bringing home a baby was unlikely and even impossible.

Adoption has changed my mindset. Bringing home a baby no longer seems unlikely. I am now confident that we will some day bring home our baby. We still don't know who or how, but I feel certain that the day will come.

Today, I have been imagining our "Gotcha Day," the day we bring home our child. I shared this video once before, when adoption seemed far in the future. We were still focused on infertility. Now, I watch it with eagerness for our own day.

*Thanks to Lisa from Amateur Nester for hosting the Infertility Link Up.  

Adoption Does Not Cause Pregnancy, and Other Thoughts

You may have read lists of things to say and not to say to people in certain categories (e.g. pregnant women, adoptive parents, etc.). Infertility is one of those categories.

Many of us in the infertility world have heard this one a few times: "Once you start the adoption process, you'll get pregnant. That's what happened to my friend." Adoption does not cause pregnancy. Seriously, it doesn't. Some people may conceive during the adoption process, but the adoption had nothing to do with it.

As we turn toward adoption, I find myself afraid of reinforcing the misconception. "What if I'm THAT person, the one that gets pregnant during the adoption process?!! That would be so horrible!" Then, I realize that I'm saying pregnancy would be horrible. Pregnancy: the condition I have been trying to achieve for so many years. Ridiculous. If I had to choose between reinforcing a misconception or having a child, I would obviously choose having a child. Obviously.

Other than these ridiculous thoughts, I am in a great place right now. I am happier than I have been for a LONG time. I'm excited about things like our new house and an upcoming trip to Florida. More than anything, I'm excited about adoption. We both are. I know it will be a long journey, possibly involving heartbreak. Still, I am excited. For the first time, I am watching for items for our baby's room ["Our baby"? What?]. Lord willing, a baby will be joining our family in the next year or so. This is really happening, and I'm excited!

Burden or Blessing?

I recently came across Jillian's story. Jillian and her husband walked through infertility to international adoption, and then back into the infertility world. Her story is particularly meaningful to me, because I would not be surprised to follow in her footsteps. While excited to pursue adoption, we may consider further treatments in several years.

On the other hand, I notice a striking difference in our stories. Jillian describes the longing she feels to experience pregnancy. I used to feel that, but the feeling seems to be gone. I find myself very curious about pregnancy and excited for my pregnant friends, but that is all. The change makes me wonder if God had a different plan for me all along. I consider my hatred of needles, my low pain tolerance, and my hesitance about many things pregnancy would require. Maybe God knew that infertility would refine me and that adoption would be better for us. Maybe the burden of infertility was actually a blessing.

While more treatments may be in our future, we are proceeding as if each of our children will be placed in our home through adoption. God's plan is perfect, and He will carry it out. We are trusting Him to lead us and provide for each step of the journey.

Side Note: Thinking about childlessness and infertility can be really heavy sometimes. If you need a pick-me-up, feel free to stop by my other blog for "What A Difference A Towel Makes." The post is about my most recent rookie mistake at the gym.

Taking a Break Means Putting on the Brakes

This is our summer off. We agreed to take the next several months to forget about infertility and adoption, allowing ourselves to be excited about the new house and just live life for a while.

But, I got ahead of myself. In a moment of weakness, I checked the criteria for adoptive families on the website of the agency we planned to use. Uh-oh. The agency has a strict "alcohol, tobacco, and drug free" policy. Two of the three are not a problem, but we do occasionally have alcohol. We believe that alcohol is a good gift from God when used wisely.  Now, we could swear off alcohol until the adoption was final, but that wouldn't be honest. If the agency so clearly disagrees with us on this issue, we would be concerned that they could bump us down on the waiting list. So, we decided to work with a different agency.

Our plan had been to not take any steps toward adoption until September, but that was when we thought the agency was already chosen. So, I started doing research (usually a bad idea for me). Soon I was reading about adoption grants and fundraisers, watching adoption videos, creating spreadsheets, and overwhelming C with thoughts and questions. After a few days of chaos, he was kind enough to reign me in. This was supposed to be our summer off.

We came to a new agreement: I will research adoption agencies, and only adoption agencies, for the next two weeks. At the end of two weeks, I will reveal my agency comparison spreadsheet to C, and we will choose an agency. Then, we will do nothing else adoption-related until September. It's hard for me to even write that. I want to read and research and apply and get approved and bring home a baby tomorrow, or even today. But instead, we will wait. We need this time of rest and recovery after our long season of struggle.

Please pray for us. Pray that we connect with the agency that will lead us to our child. Pray that God helps us truly let go of infertility stress this summer.

Thank you all for the prayers and encouragement.

Who and How?

Recently, I smiled and cried through a documentary called Haiti Love. The documentary follows our friends through their adoption of two girls from Haiti. We are blessed to know several people involved with the orphanage, Children of the Promise, and it was so neat to see a portion of their ministry. They are doing good work. Due to the ethical issues that can be involved in international adoption, I am thankful for orphanages like Children of the Promise that do everything in their power to keep children with their birth families. International adoption is only sought if the other measures fail.

We are so excited to see who God will place in our family and how. Will we meet a birthmother at the hospital for the birth of our child? Will we travel to another country to pick up a child? I don't know. Please pray with us that God would point us in the right direction at every step.

We Quit, and That's Okay

We stopped testing and treatments. Doctors didn't tell us we should. In fact, we could have tried MANY more tests and treatments. After all, we did not even receive a definitive diagnosis. We quit. And that's okay.

C and I are both perfectionists and achievers. In many ways, infertility has felt like continuous failure. Every month, we have been hit in the face with this "failure." After three years, we are tired of it. Yes, medical professionals could do more for us. Yes, chiropractors and naturopaths would do more. Maybe in a few years, we will ask them to try. But, it is okay for us to walk away now, and it would be okay for us to never go back. I refuse to see infertility as failure.

We have always wanted to adopt. Our family plan (which now seems laughable) was to start with a few biological children, then to add several adopted children. I love to have a plan that is perfectly executed. Obviously, family is not something I could plan. God has recently been focusing both of us on adoption. Infertility tests and treatments felt increasingly like paying money to beat our heads against a wall. So, we asked ourselves why. When neither of us had a good reason that adoption wouldn't also address, we knew it was time to stop. So we quit. And that's okay.

A (Major) Change of Plans

Our plans have changed dramatically in the last few weeks. I am still working to wrap my mind around everything, which is why I haven't shared the change on the blog until today. Our families have been very supportive throughout our journey, so we wanted to let them know first. Here is the email we sent:

Dear Family,
Our lives have taken a turn, and we want to bring you up to speed. For various reasons, we have decided to stop infertility testing and treatments for the foreseeable future. We will not be doing another round of Clomid after all. Instead, we are going to take the summer to focus on our new house. In September, we plan to begin the adoption process.

After more than three years of trying to conceive, this change feels very strange. Davy feels that infertility has been a factor in every decision she has made, from what to eat, to how to sit, to what soap to use. Freedom from the bondage of infertility seems very foreign. We are trying to come to grips with the untidiness of this decision. While testing has come to an end, the possibility of pregnancy will be there indefinitely. Some people go on birth control when they stop infertility treatments. We are starting to see why. Birth control is exactly that: control. We are surrendering (or attempting to surrender) control. God could choose to bless us with a surprise, but we will not be planning on that possibility.

This fall, we plan to take steps toward infant adoption. In an effort to truly take the summer off from family “planning” (as if planning is all it takes), we are not doing a lot of research or preparation yet. We have a local agency in mind, but will need to have certain questions answered before making a final decision.

You have all been so supportive in our journey. We are thankful and feel very blessed. If you would like to come alongside us and learn more, please consider reading the book Adopted for Life, by Russell Moore. The author and his wife have walked through infertility, adoption, and eventually had biological children. The book includes information for couples like us and for people who know couples like us (that’s you).

Please note that this decision does not have to be permanent. As many people remind us, we are still young(ish). If we wanted to pursue more treatment in several years, we could. For now, we plan to pursue adoption. We believe that God has a family planned for us, and we are excited to see who He places in our family and how. It’s exciting. Please be excited with us and please pray with us.
We love you all.
C and Davy

So there you have it. We are taking the summer off and then plan to pursue adoption. The ramifications are complex, so I will post more thoughts soon. If you have any questions, please leave them below. I will try to address them in a future post. Thank you for the support and encouragement.

A Selfless Choice

This post is not typical for this blog. Most of my posts are about our infertility journey. As you probably heard, a woman's video of her abortion story has recently gone viral. Her "choice" is being applauded by pro-choice advocates and condemned by pro-life advocates. I am saddened that anyone would choose to abort the miracle that is life. Those of us dealing with infertility realize that conception is a miracle every time, that it is not a given. Many of us would gladly adopt the unwanted babies. This video features women who made a different choice when faced with unplanned pregnancies.

Happy Mother's Day, Birth Moms! Thank you for being selfless and for placing your child's needs above your own. May the Lord bless you.

Clomid, Here We Come

I plan to start taking Clomid tomorrow. As far as treatments go, Clomid is pretty straightforward. I just have to take a pill every day for five days. Side effects can range from hot flashes to mood swings to cysts. Hopefully, the side effects are minimal (especially because I just started a new job), but success would be worth a few side effects.

After our last appointment, I started focusing on adoption, reading a book* and even researching adoption agencies. Now that the Clomid prescription has been filled, reality is sinking in. I'm even feeling a little hopeful, which is scary. Since my last post, several ladies have shared Clomid success stories with me. Also, I realized that this is the first actual treatment we have tried. There's a chance that it could work. A slight chance. Still, hope is sneaking in.

*We are reading the book Adopted for Lifeby Russell D. Moore. In my opinion, his personal journey through infertility lends credibility to his handling of adoption. I think it would be harder to take the message from someone who had not experienced infertility. If you have even a slight interest in adoption, I recommend reading the book.

NOTE: I enjoy writing about things I like and am not being paid to endorse products. I am, however, an Amazon Affiliate. If you click a link that takes you to Amazon and then purchase something, I receive a small percentage. To my knowledge, you will not pay more.

The End of the Line: Closer Than Expected?

This update is a few days late. We had an appointment on Wednesday and have been trying to process coherent thoughts since then. I will try to make sense.

The blood work showed normal hormone levels. As a result, we still do not have a problem to fix.

We plan for me to start a round of Clomid in a few days. A round of Clomid involves taking one pill a day for five days. Clomid is intended to fix issues that I do not seem to have (ovulation/luteal phase issues, for those of you who want details). It's kind of a starter drug for infertility. The doctor said he has seen it help people like me. At the same time, he emphasized that more than three years of trying to conceive is not a great sign. If Clomid doesn't work, we will have some difficult decisions to make.

Since they haven't found any issues that warrant a specific treatment, the next steps are very much up to us. We could repeat the ultrasound for signs of endometriosis. Two years ago, it cost $675 and showed nothing. We could both have the initial tests done again to see if the results are different. Even if they were different, the doctor says they would have likely been at least as good at some point in the last three years. We can go to a specialist, who will likely have us do all of the above plus a laparoscopy. We can skip right to the laparoscopy. The HSG will most likely cost us around $1,500 total. The laparoscopy is a surgery involving anesthesia and would be in the thousands for sure. We do have insurance, but much of the expenses would be out-of-pocket.

And then you have the stewardship issue. I only have one body, and we have limited funds. How much poking, prodding, and medicating is wise? With a medical problem, people often have the option of living with the problem or treating it. They have to decide if the benefits of the treatment outweigh the side effects. I'm not going to say their decision is easy, but at least it makes sense. We are faced with basically trying treatments for an unknown problem. Clomid MIGHT work. It also might cause other problems, like cysts that require surgery. We are willing to take the risk, at least for one round.

I think we have decided to avoid surgery unless medically necessary. If it becomes clear that I have severe endometriosis that needs to be treated, we would consider laparoscopy. If not, we won't (I think).

Okay, so that means we would be at the end of the line. Already. I know there are many other things we could try: diets, NaProTechnology, cleanses, acupuncture. I just don't want to waste our time and money. We want children. We don't want to pour endless time and money down a drain that may lead nowhere.

And so, we could be close to pursuing adoption. As I have shared before, we always wanted to adopt at some point. We planned to adopt after having a few biological children (I guess that could still happen). For some reason, the realization that we might choose to stop fertility testing/treatment soon comes as a shock. Clomid could be the last thing to try, then we might be done.

I thought I would be a mess when faced with the likelihood of never having a biological child. I'm not. I don't know why. I guess I feel like choosing adoption now doesn't mean we can never resume infertility testing. Maybe I will be a mess tomorrow, but I'm not today.

We could really use prayer. As you can see by this atypically long post, we have a lot to think about. Please pray that the Lord would guide us clearly, that we would truly seek and desire His will rather than our own. Please pray that Clomid would work. Please pray that God would build our family in His perfect way. Thanks for your prayer and support.