I'm A Dud (Not Our News, Part 3)

Note: This post is Part 3 of the "Not Our News" series. The events and feelings depicted actually occurred a few weeks ago but could not be shared until the news was public. Also, the people involved gave me permission to share. 

Three Days After the News

One purpose of this blog is to provide insight into infertility. I would be dishonest to put a positive or hopeful spin on everything. Sometimes, hope is elusive and we just cannot think of positives. In these times, sins of selfishness, bitterness, and envy are easy to fall into. Sometimes, they get the better of us.

Right now, I feel like a dud. We had almost six years to make C's parents into grandparents, but we failed. There is no excitement quite like the excitement produced by the first grandchild. We've been a part of it on my side of the family and always anticipated being the ones to give such joy to his side. When his younger sister got married last summer, we realized that they could have a baby before us. Every time they have called since then, we have wondered if they had news. This time, they did.

When my sister-in-law texted about doing a video call with us later that week, I knew instantly what it was about. My heart dropped into my stomach. I wasn't ready. I wasn't sure I would be able to respond graciously. I wasn't sure that I could feel joy for them in spite of my sorrow. I wasn't sure that I could hold a conversation without collapsing in tears. I didn't want to rob them of the joy that they should rightly feel, but I wasn't ready.

Thankfully, the Lord answered my prayers. C's sister and her husband have been very intentional about walking through infertility with us. They were just as intentional in announcing pregnancy. I was able to feel and express joy as long as I focused on them. As soon as my thoughts drifted to our situation, the tears started. One of the things I had prayed for was a transparent conversation with them. If we only showed joy and not pain, it wouldn't have been real. We would have put up a barrier, a false front. Instead, we were able to experience the joy and the pain together, complete with tears.

A few days later, I feel like a dud, a failure. I've never cried so much.

A Prayer of Frustration (Not Our News, Part 2)

Note: This is Part 2 of the "Not Our News" series. View Part One here. If you want to be notified of future posts, please subscribe or like the blog on Facebook (see sidebar). The events and feelings depicted actually occurred a few weeks ago but could not be shared until the news was public. Also, the people involved gave me permission to share. 

One Day After the News

Dear Lord,

I was right; they are expecting. Thank You for answering my prayers by providing us with grace to respond well. Today, I feel angry. I feel angry that nothing is going according to plan. While they get a surprise pregnancy, we get lousy tests and appointments canceled due to random snowstorms.

I am happy for them. I guess I just am not happy for us. I hate infertility. It's frustrating to have to go to the place of pregnant women in an effort to find why I can't join the club. It's frustrating to put ourselves through so much without knowing if it will pay off.

Help us to trust You and have right feelings. Please comfort our injured hearts and help us express thoughts well.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Not According To Plan

Remember how we chose the "aggressive" route for infertility testing and treatment? Guess how many of the things we planned to do this month actually happened. Zero. The HSG couldn't happen due to a scheduling conflict between our doctor and the hospital.

I was supposed to have several hormones checked through blood tests yesterday. On Sunday, it was about 70 degrees here. Yesterday, we had a snowstorm that caused the clinic to close, which meant that my test was canceled. Since yesterday was THE day to check those particular hormones, we have to wait another month for that one, too.

It feels like we are spinning our wheels. C and I had both been pretty down about infertility before my appointment in early February. Then, the appointment gave us hope. We had a plan and were going to be aggressive about the next steps. So far, nothing has gone according to plan. These road bumps are an extra reminder of other things that haven't gone according to plan, like having children.

One purpose of this blog is to provide an honest insight into infertility. If I put a positive or hopeful spin on everything, it won't be honest. Sometimes, hope is elusive and we just cannot think of positives. In these times, sins of selfishness, bitterness, anger, and envy creep in. Sometimes, the tears just flow.

A Dark Time

This month is the closest I have ever been to depression. After deciding to let myself grieve, the tears won’t stop. My husband doesn’t know what to do with his weepy wife. I am typically even-keeled, not the type of person to jump up and down in excitement or cry at sad movies. Last Sunday, I cried through much of the church service.

Some of the tears may be related to my lack of purpose in this phase. My wise husband encouraged me to take a step back from my part-time job and pursue volunteering instead. Maybe volunteering will help me focus on others instead of myself.

Our Christmas trip will be a good diversion.

On Grief

I turned twenty-eight last week. We always wanted to be “young” parents, but that is obviously not going to happen.

This blog post by Stacy Fulton really hit me today. Here’s a quote:

There's nothing wrong with the grief you experience and the intensity of feelings that may seem to overwhelm you at times. However, you must make a choice to work through the grief process and allow the Holy Spirit to do a work in you through it. When you ignore or push aside the grieving process, it only serves as a means to build walls, to become bitter and even unreachable.
Those who allow themselves to grieve properly, to feel, and make themselves vulnerable to GOD in the process will be the ones who come out on the other side of this changed. Regardless of the outcome, you will be changed.*

I can see now that I have built walls to protect myself, but they may actually be hindering me. By pushing away the grief of infertility, I am removing the occasion for the Comforter to step in. Regardless of the outcome of infertility, I want to be changed for the better through the experience. I want my faith to be stronger. I want to be refined by trials, not hardened by them.

*Fulton, Stacy. "Good Grief! Am I Going Crazy?." StacyFulton.com. N.p., 22 Oct. 2012. Web. 2 Dec. 2013. <http://stacyfulton.com/blog/2012/10/22/good-grief-am-i-going-crazy>.

A Poem and A Prayer

We're left behind again today.
I don't know how to feel.
Tears are streaming down my face.
Lord, what are you calling us to?
I'm in an in-between with no end in sight.
I never wanted a career.
I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and wife.
Now what?

Are You calling us to adopt?
To be foster parents?
Are You teaching us to wait?
Waiting for us to obey?
Good gifts come from You.
We don't earn them.
Should we try? (No.)

Give me patience and faith in the waiting.
Guide us to any steps we should take.

I try to include myself, plan events, stay engaged. It's hard when talk revolves around kids; I just can't relate.

I love kids. I love my friends and their kids. I'm thrilled for them when they are expecting more kids. So where do I fit in? Should I be the ever-faithful babysitter? Do I dare try to do a ladies event that isn't a play date?

It's a lonely place: infertility. My husband feels it, too. Few people understand. None of our local friends do.

Lord, please help us. Get our hearts in the right place. Align our desires with Yours. May we rely on You and be united. Give us grace to be thankful, whatever the circumstances.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Sourdough is fun to make, and we love the taste! At least that change was a good one.

In other news, we are in another “hard to be around children” phase. Sometimes, it feels like we are the only ones without kids.

What is my purpose in this phase? Our desire has been for me to stay at home with kids. As a result, I have never pursued a “career.” Now that kids aren’t coming, what am I supposed to do with myself? The demands of full time employment seemed to make our chances of conceiving even lower, so we have agreed that I will stay home at least part of the time.

I am learning that part time jobs in “my field” (if I have one) are hard to come by. The job search is exhausting, but I’m trying not to stress. After all, stress (and everything else) can contribute to infertility.

My desire is to volunteer with a ministry, but I have put that on hold until I have a job.

So, what is my purpose right now?

Test Results

Tests confirmed that male factor infertility is not the problem. That means it’s me, not him. More tests and treatments are available for female factor infertility, so I guess that is good news.

My progesterone level is good, so the doctor said that’s not the problem. I’m not a doctor, but I think the level would need to be checked on more than one day. Couldn’t it be normal one day and still drop too early? She wants to schedule an HSG. I feel like we have been put on the one-size-fits-all infertility track. I also need to look up HSG.

Two Years TTC

I’m still not pregnant.

Based on my research and observations, I think my progesterone level drops early. I should get that tested.

A Prayer for Guidance

Dear Lord, 

We REALLY would love to have a baby. Soon. We trust in Your timing and Your plan. Thank you for having a master plan that is better than we could dream. 

Please help the doctors identify any problems if/when we go in. We know that You ultimately open and close the womb, so will wait eagerly for that day.
In Jesus' Name,

Amen

One Year TTC

It’s been a year.

We tried to honor God in our family planning. Although not wanting to start a family during law school, we chose to avoid hormonal birth control. As pro-life people, we believe that life begins at conception. We could not justify using anything that could end a life.

As a result, we chose the harder route: fertility charting. After more than three years of doing the right thing, we expected God to give us a child in our timing. Clearly, He has a different plan.

"They" Say

Working out hasn’t helped.

“They” say that chances of conceiving are decreased by stress. This summer, my husband finished law school and took the Bar exam. I quit my job, and we moved across the country for his new job. Some stress was involved.

We just need to cut down on stress. Then we will conceive for sure.

At least we know another couple who is in a similar situation.

A Prayer of Being Left Behind

Dear Lord,

My sister and her husband announced baby number two last night. We would love to have a cousin to announce, but are waiting for Your timing. We are so hopeful to be parents. May we trust You more in the face of each delay.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen