Friday, May 16, 2014

We Quit, and That's Okay

We stopped testing and treatments. Doctors didn't tell us we should. In fact, we could have tried MANY more tests and treatments. After all, we did not even receive a definitive diagnosis. We quit. And that's okay.

C and I are both perfectionists and achievers. In many ways, infertility has felt like continuous failure. Every month, we have been hit in the face with this "failure." After three years, we are tired of it. Yes, medical professionals could do more for us. Yes, chiropractors and naturopaths would do more. Maybe in a few years, we will ask them to try. But, it is okay for us to walk away now, and it would be okay for us to never go back. I refuse to see infertility as failure.

We have always wanted to adopt. Our family plan (which now seems laughable) was to start with a few biological children, then to add several adopted children. I love to have a plan that is perfectly executed. Obviously, family is not something I could plan. God has recently been focusing both of us on adoption. Infertility tests and treatments felt increasingly like paying money to beat our heads against a wall. So, we asked ourselves why. When neither of us had a good reason that adoption wouldn't also address, we knew it was time to stop. So we quit. And that's okay.


AmateurNester

12 comments:

  1. Trusting God is in all the details - excited to see what He does on your journey to adopt!

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    1. Thanks, Caroline. I'm excited, too.

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  2. I'm also very excited to follow your adoption journey. I don't see it as quitting. I see it as you're following what you believe God showing you to do.

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    1. Thanks, Lisa. It is going to be a journey, but I'm excited to meet the little person that will join our family someday.

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  3. I agree with Lisa ^^, I don't view this as quitting but just a different path to a similar end, a family. I'm sure this was a very difficult decision to make as I have also been wondering when to call it quits. I hope that this new journey leads you to motherhood and the family you've always wanted!

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    1. Thanks, Jessica. I hope the Lord makes the decision obvious for you.

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  4. Oh, I understand this feeling! I'm a perfectionist and control freak, and I realized pretty quickly (well, not as quickly as my husband, but whatever) that I had to step back for my own mental health, and also because I was so bent on being God- controlling everything and just forcing it to happen.

    Praying for you and the little one who will someday call you Mom!

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    1. Surrendering control is so hard! I had to realize that I was never actually in control in the first place. Infertility really pounds that lesson home.

      It's so funny that you mention a little one calling me Mom; my husband and I were just talking about that tonight. We are eager to have someone call us Mommy and Daddy. :)

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  5. I can completely relate to being tired and feeling like a failure each month. I pray that your adoption journey goes smoothly.

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  6. I sometimes wonder if I can ever stop...mentally that is. I think it is so great you and your husband are in agreement and at peace with your decisions. All the best for you in this next step!

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    1. It is hard to imagine life without infertility. I'm learning that the mental adjustment is a strange transition.

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