Adoption Is Not The Easy Way Out

I recently encountered the concept of "resolving" infertility. In my understanding, this resolution can be through eventually bearing children, through adoption, or through deciding to live a childless life. Basically, resolving infertility is moving on.

To some people, adoption seems like the easy way out. Let me assure you: adoption is many things, but easy is not one of them. The costs seem insurmountable, the paperwork endless, and the emotional risks just scary. Adoption means putting your heart on the line.

As we prepare to begin the process, new fears are surfacing. This weekend, we learned that our friends are going through a failed adoption. Is that in our future? We know that adoption is complicated and risky, but seeing one fall through made the risk more real. We have said that we don't feel strong enough for foster care. After so many years of longing for a child, we cannot imagine having one only to have him or her returned to a bad situation. A failed adoption must feel the same way.

Life involves risk. Period. Infertility treatments have risks. Adoption has risks. So, we press on. After hearing the sad news this weekend, I was encouraged by Psalm 94:18-19.

Yes, adoption is risky; however, many adoptions are successful. When I see families like the one in this video, I get so excited to see what God has for us. Our family is a blank slate right now. We are confident that it will not stay that way, and we pray that God gives us strength and wisdom on the journey. 

This post is linked up with: Faith and Fellowship Blog Hop, Monday's Musings, Winsome Wednesday,  Word Filled Wednesday, and A Wise Woman Builds Her Home.

A (Major) Change of Plans

Our plans have changed dramatically in the last few weeks. I am still working to wrap my mind around everything, which is why I haven't shared the change on the blog until today. Our families have been very supportive throughout our journey, so we wanted to let them know first. Here is the email we sent:

Dear Family,
Our lives have taken a turn, and we want to bring you up to speed. For various reasons, we have decided to stop infertility testing and treatments for the foreseeable future. We will not be doing another round of Clomid after all. Instead, we are going to take the summer to focus on our new house. In September, we plan to begin the adoption process.

After more than three years of trying to conceive, this change feels very strange. Davy feels that infertility has been a factor in every decision she has made, from what to eat, to how to sit, to what soap to use. Freedom from the bondage of infertility seems very foreign. We are trying to come to grips with the untidiness of this decision. While testing has come to an end, the possibility of pregnancy will be there indefinitely. Some people go on birth control when they stop infertility treatments. We are starting to see why. Birth control is exactly that: control. We are surrendering (or attempting to surrender) control. God could choose to bless us with a surprise, but we will not be planning on that possibility.

This fall, we plan to take steps toward infant adoption. In an effort to truly take the summer off from family “planning” (as if planning is all it takes), we are not doing a lot of research or preparation yet. We have a local agency in mind, but will need to have certain questions answered before making a final decision.

You have all been so supportive in our journey. We are thankful and feel very blessed. If you would like to come alongside us and learn more, please consider reading the book Adopted for Life, by Russell Moore. The author and his wife have walked through infertility, adoption, and eventually had biological children. The book includes information for couples like us and for people who know couples like us (that’s you).

Please note that this decision does not have to be permanent. As many people remind us, we are still young(ish). If we wanted to pursue more treatment in several years, we could. For now, we plan to pursue adoption. We believe that God has a family planned for us, and we are excited to see who He places in our family and how. It’s exciting. Please be excited with us and please pray with us.
We love you all.
C and Davy

So there you have it. We are taking the summer off and then plan to pursue adoption. The ramifications are complex, so I will post more thoughts soon. If you have any questions, please leave them below. I will try to address them in a future post. Thank you for the support and encouragement.

Waiting and Blog Silence

From the recent blog silence, you can accurately conclude two things:

1. I have been busy.
2. Nothing new is happening in infertility land.

Last weekend, we traveled north for a wedding and to visit family. Usually, we allow at least a week for these trips, but this one was a quick four days. Don't worry, we managed to cram ten days of activities into the four days. Now, we are home, sick, and tired. On the day we traveled home, my poor husband was up from 5:45 a.m. to 3:30 a.m. One of our flights was delayed, so the trek from the airport stretched into the wee (or brutal) hours of the morning. We may not be old, but we are definitely too old to stay up until 3:30 a.m.

While settling back into normal life, I am getting impatient to see if the Clomid worked. Our schedule this weekend was crazy enough to throw any person's body off, but I'm hoping that it did not make round one pointless.

Regardless of what we find out, God is good. He is in control. Scheduling chaos and lack of sleep will not surprise Him. Whatever we walk through is for our good and His glory.

And again, we wait...

I'm Going In

I'm going in for lab work today, even though the results may not be helpful. In my opinion, the point of the lab work is to determine what happens in a "normal" cycle. We already know this cycle is abnormal (I blame the HSG, but the nurse said it wouldn't mess things up), so how can we expect the test results to be normal? I guess it will be nice to have some results to review at the appointment next week.

After our first appointment, we scheduled a follow-up for two months later. Those two months were supposed to follow the "aggressive" plan. Instead, we are scrambling to pull together at least a wee bit of iffy information. At least the HSG finally happened. 

Anyway, you may remember that I'm not fond of needles. Due to a really busy day at work, C cannot come with me. I've never gone alone. This could be interesting. 

A Minor Update

The next test has been scheduled for Monday at 4 p.m. This one is just a blood test for hormone levels: progesterone and prolactin. I'm not sure if they are testing anything else.

Historically, Needles and I have not been friends. As a child, hysterics were definitely involved in any meeting. As long as we continue the infertility testing and treatment process, Needles and I will be meeting frequently. If you are praying for us, please pray that this aspect of our testing would be no big deal.

When I had my progesterone checked last year, the phlebotomist (an awesome word for an awful job) was really good and quick. I hope for a similar experience this time around.

Hope Mixed with New Fears

Dear Lord,

I need to call today to schedule the dreaded hysterosalpingogram (HSG). As miserable as the test/procedure will be, I am hopeful that it will be successful. If it's Your will, may we conceive right away as a result of the procedure. Do I dare to hope?

Now that we are taking aggressive steps, the concept of actually being pregnant brings more fears:

1. Miscarriage - Not getting pregnant is painful; getting pregnant and losing the baby would be heartbreaking.
2. Identity - This one surprised me and seems ridiculous, but is real nonetheless. Now that I've started a public infertility blog, infertility has become a bigger part of my identity. If I become pregnant, I will no longer fit into that category. 
3. Changes - I have never liked change. I am used to my infertile self. What would I do as a pregnant self? I don't like infertility, but at least it is familiar.

Lord, please pluck the lies and fears out of my mind and leave only Your truth.

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14

In Jesus' Name, 

Amen

Today Is the Day

We've been TTC for so long, that I can no longer imagine actually being successful. A few years ago, pregnancy seemed just around the corner. Now, I do not expect it at all. I can no longer even imagine a positive pregnancy test.

I have the first appointment with a new doctor today. This is the day we resume testing and pursue treatment. I expected to be excited, but fear is winning. I feel nervous about many things, and some of them surprise me:

• Hope - I am afraid to begin hoping again. Hopes can be crushed. Skepticism feels safe. Expecting nothing and getting something good is great. Expecting something and getting nothing is painful. 
• Pain - The medical community has devised several methods of torture (also known as tests and procedures) to identify and treat fertility issues. I don't know which ones will be prescribed for me, but they will almost certainly involve physical pain. I'm not a huge fan of pain.
• Decisions - How far are we willing to go in the process? How many thousands of dollars are we willing to spend? How much will we put my body through? Which medical advice to we listen to? Infertility is a constant web of decisions. Decisions are hard.
• Answers - We have tentative limits for how far we will go in the testing/treatment process. If my husband would not be willing to undergo a procedure recommended for me, we say we will be done. If I am put on hormones that make me crazy, we say we will be done. We say these things; however, the decision to actually stop and walk away would be SO hard. Heartbreaking. So, I am afraid of answers.
• No Answers - I think that my worst fear (maybe after pain) is that we will not receive any answers. Many people fall into a category called "unexplained infertility." Their tests come back normal. Doctors cannot find anything wrong. And yet, they are unable to conceive. They have reached "the end of the line." I don't want to get anywhere near the end of the line. I want them to do one test, see a problem, fix it, and be done. Is that too much to ask? (Probably).

So, with much trepidation, we prepare for the appointment. Prayers are appreciated.

I'm not sure how many details I will post, as I have no idea what to expect. I will try to share what might be appropriate and helpful. Thanks for reading. Please feel free to comment.

I read my husband some information about the HSG, and he was very sympathetic. Then he looked at a diagram and officially freaked out. We may wait on that test for a while.

HSG?

HSG. They will do what, how? As painful as childbirth and very expensive? Thanks to my internet research, I need to think about that one.

Shouldn’t we fully rule out the progesterone drop first?

Infertility Consultation

We met with a doctor to start the testing process. She said that two years of TTC was long enough to meet with a specialist.

She said the specialist would want to see results from an ultrasound (which had already been done), blood tests, and a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). They would also want to make sure male factor infertility was not a cause. I had the blood tests done right away.