I Asked The Lord

Sometimes, church hits you in the face in a good way. This Sunday was one of those days for me. I was introduced to a hymn that could have been written by me [you know, if I was the poet/hymn writer type]. Fellow sufferers may relate. The hymn is "I Asked the Lord That I Might Grow," by John Newton. Here are the words:

I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, His face. 

’Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair. 

I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He’d answer my request;
And by His love’s constraining pow’r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest. 

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow’rs of hell
Assault my soul in every part. 

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low. 

Lord, why is this, I trembling cried,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
“’Tis in this way, the Lord replied,
I answer prayer for grace and faith. 

These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st find thy all in Me.” 

In his sermon, the pastor talked about being angry with God. I have felt hurt and frustrated by God, but had never realized that I might be a little angry at Him, too. After all, I know He is good, I know His plan is better than mine, so why would I be angry?

One part of the song hit the nail on the head:

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds,* and laid me low.

There's the reason for my anger. I had a plan. God ruined it. He ripped it up, stomped on it, and carried out His instead. How rude!

As a planner, I like to know where to go, what to bring, and exactly what is going to happen. My plan was as follows:

• Get married: check
• Set an example to other couples of the right way to do birth control (FAM) by naturally preventing pregnancy during law school: check
• Get pregnant as soon as law school ended, which would be easy after three years of charting: negatory
• Have four biological children, then adopt three: about that...

It was a good plan, or so I thought. Now, I see some pride and control issues. Either way, God messed with my plan, and I think it really has made me angry. But, I don't want to stay there. May the mission be accomplished in my soul:

These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st find thy all in Me.

Through infertility and extended childlessness, may the Lord free me from pride and selfishness until I find my all in Him. It's scary to pray that, but I want it to be true. Will you join me?

*"Blasted my gourds" likely refers to Jonah 4:7, in which God sends a worm to chew the plant Jonah had trusted for shelter.

- This version of the song can be downloaded here:  I Asked The Lord [Emily Deloach]

This post is linked with Amateur Nester's Infertility Link Up, Titus 2sdays, and Monday Musings.

Small Sips After A Fire Hose

If you have ever attended a conference, you know that it is impossible to soak up all of the information. It's like drinking out of a fire hose. The women's conference I attended was no different. In two days, my sister and I attended thirteen sessions. My notes don't do the wonderful sessions justice, so I am excited to listen again now that the sessions are available online. If you are intrigued by the little snippets in the video below, you may want to check out the sessions here.

Want some specific recommendations? Here are my favorites:

• Why This Issue Now? - I laughed so hard at the interactions between Tim and Kathy Keller. The rest of the panel and the content was fabulous, too.
• Laboring for a God Who Fights for Us - "God is completely in charge AND what you do matters." - Tim Keller 
• Fearing God in a Fallen World - I had never heard of Paige Brown, but she turned out to be my favorite speaker. "Self-promotion means we are using people instead of loving them."
• Responding to God According to His Word - This session blew me away. The hope of the Gospel was explained in a powerful way. If you can only listen to one session, pick this one.

I was so blessed by this conference and hopefully forever changed. If you check it out, please let me know what you think in the comments.

5+ Thoughts on Infertility and Adoption

We are in a strange place between infertility and adoption. Infertility has not left us, but we are not doing anything about it right now. Adoption has been decided upon, but we are not doing anything about it right now. In this in-between phase, several thoughts have been tumbling around in my head.

[I recently read a caution for bloggers to avoid publishing incomplete thoughts. I am warning you in advance: these thoughts are half-baked.]

• I think that God is wise to point us toward "paper pregnancy" rather than normal pregnancy. I am a nerd and actually enjoy paperwork. On the other hand, I do not enjoy medical procedures of any kind. Physical pain is not a particular favorite, either. So, paper pregnancy just might be the way to go. 
• The costs involved in adoption are staggering. A home study will be one of our first major expenses, costing around $4,000. I understand that labor and delivery costs just slightly more than that, but that's beside the point. The home study is only the beginning.
• We eagerly anticipate the day our child is placed in our arms. However, on or near that day, the placement fee will be due. Depending on the circumstances, the placement fee could be around $18,000. That is a lot of money. So, on one hand, we want the adoption process to go as quickly as possible. On the other hand, we need time to save and raise money. A lot of money. 
• I have been told to expect the final total to be around $30,000. Thirty thousand dollars. When I hear a number like that, I start to think, "Maybe we could have tried just a few more infertility treatments." Then I remember what infertility land was like. I hated it. I hated the procedures, the paralyzing thoughts, the illusions of control and lack thereof, the waiting. No part of me wants to go back to that.
• In some ways, the costs of infertility treatment and adoption may be comparable. For example, one round of IVF might cost $25,000, slightly less than adoption (I realize that treatments and various types of adoption have drastically different costs, so this is just an example). In another way, the costs are very different. With adoption, the majority of the expense is paid only when a child is placed in our arms. With infertility treatment, the costs may be small or they may stack up to $90,000 or more. We would have to pay for the treatment regardless of the outcome. So, we could have paid many thousands of dollars and still not end up with a child. To me, it felt like trying to fill a bucket that may or may not have a bottom. 

I know it's cliche, but I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone. My heart is heavy for the people I know still struggling through infertility treatments. This post is not meant to pressure anyone to stop treatments and pursue adoption. I think that adoption should not be pursued unless your heart is in it. If your heart is still in treatments, it's not time to adopt. My heart was not in treatments anymore. God seems to have pointed our hearts toward adoption at this time, but the agony of infertility does not quickly disappear. I believe that God used pain and struggle to change us. Eventually, we realized that adoption didn't feel like a back-up plan, but was instead an exciting option. I do not understand the methods, but I trust His plan.

This post is linked up with Amateur Nester's Infertility Linkup.

Adoption Is Not The Easy Way Out

I recently encountered the concept of "resolving" infertility. In my understanding, this resolution can be through eventually bearing children, through adoption, or through deciding to live a childless life. Basically, resolving infertility is moving on.

To some people, adoption seems like the easy way out. Let me assure you: adoption is many things, but easy is not one of them. The costs seem insurmountable, the paperwork endless, and the emotional risks just scary. Adoption means putting your heart on the line.

As we prepare to begin the process, new fears are surfacing. This weekend, we learned that our friends are going through a failed adoption. Is that in our future? We know that adoption is complicated and risky, but seeing one fall through made the risk more real. We have said that we don't feel strong enough for foster care. After so many years of longing for a child, we cannot imagine having one only to have him or her returned to a bad situation. A failed adoption must feel the same way.

Life involves risk. Period. Infertility treatments have risks. Adoption has risks. So, we press on. After hearing the sad news this weekend, I was encouraged by Psalm 94:18-19.

Yes, adoption is risky; however, many adoptions are successful. When I see families like the one in this video, I get so excited to see what God has for us. Our family is a blank slate right now. We are confident that it will not stay that way, and we pray that God gives us strength and wisdom on the journey. 

This post is linked up with: Faith and Fellowship Blog Hop, Monday's Musings, Winsome Wednesday,  Word Filled Wednesday, and A Wise Woman Builds Her Home.

Gotcha Day Will Come

When we first started TTC, I would often calculate nine months from the date: "If we got pregnant this month, we could bring home a baby around ___." For a while now, I have felt that conceiving and bringing home a baby was unlikely and even impossible.

Adoption has changed my mindset. Bringing home a baby no longer seems unlikely. I am now confident that we will some day bring home our baby. We still don't know who or how, but I feel certain that the day will come.

Today, I have been imagining our "Gotcha Day," the day we bring home our child. I shared this video once before, when adoption seemed far in the future. We were still focused on infertility. Now, I watch it with eagerness for our own day.

*Thanks to Lisa from Amateur Nester for hosting the Infertility Link Up.  

Burgers and Fertility

Yesterday was Memorial Day. Memorial Day reminds me of burgers, which explains the desire for burgers we encountered yesterday. My failure to plan in advance for this desire led us to good 'ol Burger King. 

Let me tell you, we snarfed down those Whoppers like nobody's business. Guess what? I felt free to eat that Whopper. Thoughts of "This meal could negatively affect fertility" were replaced by "This meal might shorten our lives, but boy is it good!" I don't think fertility even entered my mind. 

What is that you say? "Welcome to normal life"? Why, thank you. I'm happy to be here.

Who and How?

Recently, I smiled and cried through a documentary called Haiti Love. The documentary follows our friends through their adoption of two girls from Haiti. We are blessed to know several people involved with the orphanage, Children of the Promise, and it was so neat to see a portion of their ministry. They are doing good work. Due to the ethical issues that can be involved in international adoption, I am thankful for orphanages like Children of the Promise that do everything in their power to keep children with their birth families. International adoption is only sought if the other measures fail.

We are so excited to see who God will place in our family and how. Will we meet a birthmother at the hospital for the birth of our child? Will we travel to another country to pick up a child? I don't know. Please pray with us that God would point us in the right direction at every step.

Clomid Round 1: A Failure

Clomid is not our wonder drug. From what I can tell, round one had precisely zero impact on my body. A few headaches and a queasy stomach made me hopeful that something was happening. Now, I can safely attribute the headaches to normal life and the queasiness to a crazy travel schedule and airport food.

Until today, we included the possibility that I could be pregnant in talking about the future, especially in planning the setup of our new house. Since Clomid can cause multiples, we would joke that twins would be great and that triplets would finally convince our parents to move closer. Now, more than ever, I doubt that I will ever be pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I know it could happen when we least expect (that just happened to one of my infertility friends). It just seems unlikely.

This afternoon, we had a "cumbersation" (a cumbersome conversation) about our next steps. We are not ready to share all of our decisions with the world. I will share one with you: the next round of Clomid will likely be the end of our infertility process for now. That means no more tests, no more treatments, and no more "trying" in the foreseeable future. Surprisingly, we are a little excited. The last several years have been an exhausting emotional roller coaster. Even if the exit is different than hoped, we are ready to get off the roller coaster. This summer will provide freedom that we haven't experienced in a long time. I will be free from viewing everything through an infertility lens. I can drink coffee, exercise just to be healthy, and forget about charting. We can get excited about moving into our new house and working on projects together. Can I get a "woohoo"?

As strange as it feels to be disappointed and excited at the same time, here we are. God has been slowly changing our expectations about family. We still are not sure what our family will look like, but we are excited to see.

Thanks so much for all of the prayers. Without them, I am confident that today would have been much, much harder.

Waiting and Blog Silence

From the recent blog silence, you can accurately conclude two things:

1. I have been busy.
2. Nothing new is happening in infertility land.

Last weekend, we traveled north for a wedding and to visit family. Usually, we allow at least a week for these trips, but this one was a quick four days. Don't worry, we managed to cram ten days of activities into the four days. Now, we are home, sick, and tired. On the day we traveled home, my poor husband was up from 5:45 a.m. to 3:30 a.m. One of our flights was delayed, so the trek from the airport stretched into the wee (or brutal) hours of the morning. We may not be old, but we are definitely too old to stay up until 3:30 a.m.

While settling back into normal life, I am getting impatient to see if the Clomid worked. Our schedule this weekend was crazy enough to throw any person's body off, but I'm hoping that it did not make round one pointless.

Regardless of what we find out, God is good. He is in control. Scheduling chaos and lack of sleep will not surprise Him. Whatever we walk through is for our good and His glory.

And again, we wait...

If Only There Was an App for That

If I want to get somewhere, I enter the destination into the map app on my phone. The handy app will then show me the fastest routes available and approximately how long each route would take. I can choose an alternate if desired, but the app will automatically send me on the fastest route otherwise.

Wouldn't it be nice to plug a life goal into an app and have the route options presented to us? At this phase, I would be looking for the best routes to having children. With the destination plugged in, I could evaluate the options and pick one.

Unfortunately, there's no app for that. So, we are left trekking various avenues trying to choose the best next step. Infertility treatments might be a dead end, but we won't know unless we try. Adoption might be the longest route, but it might be the only one that actually reaches the destination. Foster care to adoption might be the fastest and least expensive route, but it also has the highest possibility of long-term struggles. I could honestly get excited about any of the routes, but I wish the best one was obvious. If only there was an app for that.

Thankfully, God instituted this wonderful thing called marriage. My husband is somewhat (or WAY) better than I am at making decisions. I can put myself through all the confusion of internet "research" and get overwhelmed with all the options. When I blurt out all the chaos to him, he usually brings clarity to the situation. Then we can agree on a next step.

We are currently trying the fertility treatment route. At this point, both of us are hopeful that it will take us to the destination. So, we travel on.

And Now, We Wait

I finished round one of Clomid. Thankfully, the worst side effect was a few headaches. At this point, we have no idea if anything changed. In a few weeks, we will be able to tell if the treatment was successful. Until then, we wait. Again.

In spite of the fact that this treatment was a shot in the dark, we feel a little hopeful. I find myself making plans for round two and round three as if round one failed, which it hasn't yet. I'm so used to getting the "no" that I can't imagine getting a "yes." Part of me still is holding on to hope that it would be this easy, that one round of Clomid would do the trick. Wouldn't that be nice? I certainly think so.

That's all for now. I have more thoughts, but will have to share those when I have more time. Stay tuned. :)

One Reason Conceiving Is Not Ultimate For Us

We love adoption.

Through Christ, we have been adopted as children of God. Our family may or may not include biological children in the future, but we look forward to adopting at some point either way.

Hope Mixed with New Fears

Dear Lord,

I need to call today to schedule the dreaded hysterosalpingogram (HSG). As miserable as the test/procedure will be, I am hopeful that it will be successful. If it's Your will, may we conceive right away as a result of the procedure. Do I dare to hope?

Now that we are taking aggressive steps, the concept of actually being pregnant brings more fears:

1. Miscarriage - Not getting pregnant is painful; getting pregnant and losing the baby would be heartbreaking.
2. Identity - This one surprised me and seems ridiculous, but is real nonetheless. Now that I've started a public infertility blog, infertility has become a bigger part of my identity. If I become pregnant, I will no longer fit into that category. 
3. Changes - I have never liked change. I am used to my infertile self. What would I do as a pregnant self? I don't like infertility, but at least it is familiar.

Lord, please pluck the lies and fears out of my mind and leave only Your truth.

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14

In Jesus' Name, 

Amen

The chiropractor said that some women have been able to conceive after chiropractic care. She also took x-rays and saw that my pelvis is fused to a lower vertebrae. She said it likely was a birth defect.

I am actually relieved to find something “wrong.” So far, everything tested has come back normal. She gave me a heel lift to rotate my pelvis correctly. Here’s hoping!

We have enjoyed renewing friendships after our move. The one tough part is that all of our friends have kids. When we lived here before, we were one of dozens of young married couples. During the two years we were gone, all of them had kids. Literally. Some had two.

Well, we don’t have kids yet, but we still like them. Maybe we can fill the “cool aunt and uncle” role.

Another Prayer for Guidance

Dear Lord,

We have been trying to get pregnant for 2.5 years now. I know that You are the Giver of Life, so You have chosen to withhold a child from us thus far. I don't understand, but I trust that You know best.

I want to (and do) say that You will bless us with a child in Your timing. The struggle is what to do in the meantime. Do I drink special tea (I started drinking raspberry leaf tea today)? Do we spend an arm and a leg on tests? Do I gain weight or workout or stretch or go to the chiropractor? At the end of the day, You decide. So, these other steps seem futile or like I am trying to usurp control. I want to be obedient and take the right steps. Please guide us to them.

If it's Your will, please cause us to conceive by Christmas. Please.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

A Prayer after Moving

Dear Lord,

We want this phase of life to be better. Fewer distractions, more depth, deeper fellowship, closer walks with you. Please give us wisdom in the next steps, specifically about infertility testing/treatments vs. special teas/chiropractors/exercise. Please guide us, and may we honor You in obedience.

You give good gifts to Your children. We are so undeserving, but receive so many good things from You. Our great(est?) desire is for children, and we see that gift being withheld. May we learn any lesson and turn from any sin standing in the way. We know, though, that we can never deserve such a good gift. But You give to the undeserving. While we were unrepentant sinners, Christ died for us! We trust You. Please increase our faith.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Okay, we are settled in a new place and have agreed that I will not go back to full-time employment for now. Instead, I am going to eat well, exercise regularly, and get pregnant. I’m sure that the stress of full-time work, a long commute, and a lack of exercise have just been too much for my body.

I just need to take care of myself, then I will get pregnant.

I figured out why God hasn’t given us a child yet. If we had a child or were expecting one, we would have been less willing to move away from family again. That must be the reason. I’m sure we will conceive as soon as we have obeyed his call and life has settled down.

“They” say that moving causes stress and stress contributes to infertility anyway. So, I’m going to say no to the HSG for now.

I heard that chiropractic care can help women get pregnant. Since nerves control organs, apparently the wrong pinched nerve could cause fertility issues. My lower back has been messed up for a while. I will try the chiropractor until we move.

Test Results

Tests confirmed that male factor infertility is not the problem. That means it’s me, not him. More tests and treatments are available for female factor infertility, so I guess that is good news.

My progesterone level is good, so the doctor said that’s not the problem. I’m not a doctor, but I think the level would need to be checked on more than one day. Couldn’t it be normal one day and still drop too early? She wants to schedule an HSG. I feel like we have been put on the one-size-fits-all infertility track. I also need to look up HSG.