Inside the Tears

Infertility has messed me up in ways I don't even understand. Here's a glimpse into a struggle with myself:

Davy, why are you crying?
Because the tears are below the surface much of the time and sometimes they just spill over.

Don't you know that God is good?
Yes, He is. But I don't know what to do with that truth when it hurts. 

Are you believing that Jesus + Nothing = Everything, or have you decided that Jesus + Children = Everything?
If I had to choose between Christ and children, I would choose Christ. However, I feel confident that He has children for us. 

Seriously, why are you still crying?
I don't even know anymore. Maybe because people around me are having kids. People who didn't even know each other when we got married have kids now. People who got married after we started trying to conceive have two-year-olds and new babies. 

Would you want different for them?
No. I would not want anyone to go through pain like ours. Somehow, it still hurts.

It sounds like you are dealing with sins such as envy and selfishness.
Am I? I'm having a hard time distinguishing between godly sorrow and sin.

You should just trust in God's promises.
Okay, like this one from Psalm 128?

Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways!You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.
Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house;your children will be like olive shoots around your table.Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.

That one sure comes up a lot, but it doesn't seem to apply to us. Instead, it feels like salt in an open wound. Are we not part of "everyone"? Do we not fear the Lord enough?

Don't get caught up on that. The Bible includes several stories about barren women, and their barrenness is not due to lack of faith. Rather, it is for God's unique purposes.
Right. [Deep breaths]. 

I don't want to guess God's purposes, but have definitely thought about our future child(ren). We would probably not commit so much time and money into the infant adoption process if we had been able to conceive.
Sure, but we are just wasting time. The years are slipping by. 

The time is not wasted. If God has a specific child out there for us (and we believe He does), He needs to work every detail out accordingly. That child has a specific birthday, and every step of your process, from infertility to home study to approval to waiting, is pointing toward that day. You cannot go too fast or too slow. God has everything under control and is working out His perfect plan.
I know. I do trust Him, and I really look forward to seeing the plan unfold. But our arms are so empty. Our house is SO quiet. We feel so alone. 

You aren't.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.

This post is linked up with Titus 2sDay and the Infertility Link-Up. 

Adoption Is Not The Easy Way Out

I recently encountered the concept of "resolving" infertility. In my understanding, this resolution can be through eventually bearing children, through adoption, or through deciding to live a childless life. Basically, resolving infertility is moving on.

To some people, adoption seems like the easy way out. Let me assure you: adoption is many things, but easy is not one of them. The costs seem insurmountable, the paperwork endless, and the emotional risks just scary. Adoption means putting your heart on the line.

As we prepare to begin the process, new fears are surfacing. This weekend, we learned that our friends are going through a failed adoption. Is that in our future? We know that adoption is complicated and risky, but seeing one fall through made the risk more real. We have said that we don't feel strong enough for foster care. After so many years of longing for a child, we cannot imagine having one only to have him or her returned to a bad situation. A failed adoption must feel the same way.

Life involves risk. Period. Infertility treatments have risks. Adoption has risks. So, we press on. After hearing the sad news this weekend, I was encouraged by Psalm 94:18-19.

Yes, adoption is risky; however, many adoptions are successful. When I see families like the one in this video, I get so excited to see what God has for us. Our family is a blank slate right now. We are confident that it will not stay that way, and we pray that God gives us strength and wisdom on the journey. 

This post is linked up with: Faith and Fellowship Blog Hop, Monday's Musings, Winsome Wednesday,  Word Filled Wednesday, and A Wise Woman Builds Her Home.

Waiting and Blog Silence

From the recent blog silence, you can accurately conclude two things:

1. I have been busy.
2. Nothing new is happening in infertility land.

Last weekend, we traveled north for a wedding and to visit family. Usually, we allow at least a week for these trips, but this one was a quick four days. Don't worry, we managed to cram ten days of activities into the four days. Now, we are home, sick, and tired. On the day we traveled home, my poor husband was up from 5:45 a.m. to 3:30 a.m. One of our flights was delayed, so the trek from the airport stretched into the wee (or brutal) hours of the morning. We may not be old, but we are definitely too old to stay up until 3:30 a.m.

While settling back into normal life, I am getting impatient to see if the Clomid worked. Our schedule this weekend was crazy enough to throw any person's body off, but I'm hoping that it did not make round one pointless.

Regardless of what we find out, God is good. He is in control. Scheduling chaos and lack of sleep will not surprise Him. Whatever we walk through is for our good and His glory.

And again, we wait...

A Prayer for Joy and Fruit (Not Our News, Part 4)

Note: This post is Part 4 of the "Not Our News" series.  The events and feelings depicted actually occurred a few weeks ago but could not be shared until the news was public. Also, the people involved gave me permission to share. 

Four Days After the News

Dear Lord,

Psalm 126:5 says, "Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!" May we indeed reap with joy. May there be fruit from our tears.

Thank You for lifting our spirits and providing distractions. Please help us find the right perspective. Help us fight the urge to hide in sadness and self pity. Please be our comfort in ways that we have never experienced. May we come out of every trial looking more like You.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

A Song for Today

This song by Jenny & Tyler was a good reminder to me today. Here is Psalm 46 (ESV) in entirety:

God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
he utters his voice, the earth melts.
The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. 

Come, behold the works of the LORD,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!”
The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

I hope the song and passage are a blessing to you today.

"So That"

Yesterday, my husband and I separately read 2 Corinthians 1 in our devotions. We read it together last night. This morning, we found the same passage in a new email from my mother-in-law. The passage really struck me as I read it the first time. The second time, I tried to read it aloud to Caleb through my tears. If Romans 12:12 is our infertility theme verse, 2 Corinthians 1:3-11 must be our infertility theme passage.

Here are portions from the passage:

Praise the Lord for his comfort, for being a high priest that sympathizes with our weakness (Hebrews 4:15), and for giving us "so that." We don't know what our "so that" is, but this passage gives us two ideas: "So that we may be able to comfort those in any affliction" (vs. 4) and "so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many." We already feel that our suffering is making us more sensitive to the suffering of others. When a child joins our family someday, the prayers of MANY will be answered. I imagine that there are many more "so thats" in God's plan for us: so that all glory will go to God, so that we rely fully on Him, so we become more Christlike, etc.

Honestly, I don't want it right now. I want to be out of this phase. I want to bid adios to infertility NOW. But, I can't let myself get stuck there, so I will focus on "so that."

Choosing Trust Over Fear

I rarely have a Bible verse stuck in my head. I wish it happened more often. Today, Psalm 112:6-7 has been on repeat in my mind:

The righteous person is not afraid of bad news, but rather firmly trusts in the Lord. My tendency is to choose fear, not trust. 

If I receive bad news, God is good and worthy of trust. Disappointing test results and scheduling delays fall into this category.

If I receive good news that feels like bad news, God is good and worthy of trust. This category can include pregnancy announcements and test results that come back normal and lead nowhere.

If I am afraid of receiving bad news, I need to remind myself that God is good and worthy of trust. And I need to memorize more verses so they get stuck in my head more often.

Are you with me?

The Grass Is Always Greener...

One of the hardest parts of infertility is being in the "wrong" life phase. All of your friends are in the parenting life phase; you are left behind.

I was reminded today that this feeling is not unique to infertility. Many people in other life phases long to be in a different one:

• Kids long to be grown up.
• Single people long to be married.
• Parents long to be past the  (teething, Terrible Two's, teenager, etc.)  phase.
• Empty nesters long for their kids to be young again.

The old adage seems true: "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." For those of us in the midst of infertility, having a baby will not end our longing. This side of eternity, we will always have something else to long for. 

This morning, I came across 1 Corinthians 7. Paul was writing about marriage and singleness, saying that both are good. In verse 7, he says, "But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another." Our current life phase, no matter how difficult, is a gift from God. Paul goes on to say, "Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him" (1 Cor. 7:17a).

We do not get to pick a life phase and stay there. Life is fluid, changing continually. Let's live fully now in our current phase. Today, I long to have children, but don't. Instead, I get unlimited time with my husband and best friend, just the two of us. There was a time in which that's all I wanted (ahem, when he was in law school). After children arrive, we might miss our time alone together. So, as we take steps toward that next phase, let's soak up today!

Our Infertility Theme Verse

We have selected Romans 12:12 as our infertility theme verse. The hard part will be to do what it says.

Hope Mixed with New Fears

Dear Lord,

I need to call today to schedule the dreaded hysterosalpingogram (HSG). As miserable as the test/procedure will be, I am hopeful that it will be successful. If it's Your will, may we conceive right away as a result of the procedure. Do I dare to hope?

Now that we are taking aggressive steps, the concept of actually being pregnant brings more fears:

1. Miscarriage - Not getting pregnant is painful; getting pregnant and losing the baby would be heartbreaking.
2. Identity - This one surprised me and seems ridiculous, but is real nonetheless. Now that I've started a public infertility blog, infertility has become a bigger part of my identity. If I become pregnant, I will no longer fit into that category. 
3. Changes - I have never liked change. I am used to my infertile self. What would I do as a pregnant self? I don't like infertility, but at least it is familiar.

Lord, please pluck the lies and fears out of my mind and leave only Your truth.

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14

In Jesus' Name, 

Amen

A Dark Time

This month is the closest I have ever been to depression. After deciding to let myself grieve, the tears won’t stop. My husband doesn’t know what to do with his weepy wife. I am typically even-keeled, not the type of person to jump up and down in excitement or cry at sad movies. Last Sunday, I cried through much of the church service.

Some of the tears may be related to my lack of purpose in this phase. My wise husband encouraged me to take a step back from my part-time job and pursue volunteering instead. Maybe volunteering will help me focus on others instead of myself.

Our Christmas trip will be a good diversion.

On Grief

I turned twenty-eight last week. We always wanted to be “young” parents, but that is obviously not going to happen.

This blog post by Stacy Fulton really hit me today. Here’s a quote:

There's nothing wrong with the grief you experience and the intensity of feelings that may seem to overwhelm you at times. However, you must make a choice to work through the grief process and allow the Holy Spirit to do a work in you through it. When you ignore or push aside the grieving process, it only serves as a means to build walls, to become bitter and even unreachable.
Those who allow themselves to grieve properly, to feel, and make themselves vulnerable to GOD in the process will be the ones who come out on the other side of this changed. Regardless of the outcome, you will be changed.*

I can see now that I have built walls to protect myself, but they may actually be hindering me. By pushing away the grief of infertility, I am removing the occasion for the Comforter to step in. Regardless of the outcome of infertility, I want to be changed for the better through the experience. I want my faith to be stronger. I want to be refined by trials, not hardened by them.

*Fulton, Stacy. "Good Grief! Am I Going Crazy?." StacyFulton.com. N.p., 22 Oct. 2012. Web. 2 Dec. 2013. <http://stacyfulton.com/blog/2012/10/22/good-grief-am-i-going-crazy>.

After a Thanksgiving gathering, everyone wanted to gather and pray that the Lord would give us a child. They were so confident, like they expected God to answer their prayer right away. I found myself thinking, “Go ahead. Pray. It’s not going to change anything.” The thought surprised me. Of course, I believe that God answers prayer. I also believe that He is sovereign. He has intentionally placed us in a season of infertility. We don’t understand the reasons and don’t know how long the season will last. He is still God; He is still good.

While trusting God is good, unbelief disguised as skepticism is not. Skepticism protects me. If I don’t get my hopes up in the first place, I’m not as disappointed.

A Prayer for Gratitude

Dear Lord,

Thank you for blessing me with a husband who loves You and me and will talk about both. Thank You for our conversation about gratitude this morning. May we be constantly praising You for the blessings we have received, not whining about the ones we want. The main area of desire that can turn into bitterness is the area of children.

We spent time with a very young couple who has been married only a few months. They got pregnant accidentally after one week of marriage. They were hoping to wait five years before having kids. We are happy for them, but our natural response is "Of course they're pregnant. Everyone around us gets pregnant by looking at each other. We can't for anything."

We reminded ourselves today that we all have our different set of blessings. They wanted the blessing of five years of marriage before kids, but they're getting a child. We want a child, but got the "blessing" of five years of marriage without kids.

Choosing gratitude in all circumstances is important, but difficult. Please help us to rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and give thanks.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Another Prayer for Guidance

Dear Lord,

We have been trying to get pregnant for 2.5 years now. I know that You are the Giver of Life, so You have chosen to withhold a child from us thus far. I don't understand, but I trust that You know best.

I want to (and do) say that You will bless us with a child in Your timing. The struggle is what to do in the meantime. Do I drink special tea (I started drinking raspberry leaf tea today)? Do we spend an arm and a leg on tests? Do I gain weight or workout or stretch or go to the chiropractor? At the end of the day, You decide. So, these other steps seem futile or like I am trying to usurp control. I want to be obedient and take the right steps. Please guide us to them.

If it's Your will, please cause us to conceive by Christmas. Please.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

A Prayer after Moving

Dear Lord,

We want this phase of life to be better. Fewer distractions, more depth, deeper fellowship, closer walks with you. Please give us wisdom in the next steps, specifically about infertility testing/treatments vs. special teas/chiropractors/exercise. Please guide us, and may we honor You in obedience.

You give good gifts to Your children. We are so undeserving, but receive so many good things from You. Our great(est?) desire is for children, and we see that gift being withheld. May we learn any lesson and turn from any sin standing in the way. We know, though, that we can never deserve such a good gift. But You give to the undeserving. While we were unrepentant sinners, Christ died for us! We trust You. Please increase our faith.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

We Can't Earn A Child

Dear Lord,

What do You have for us next? I just watched a video about adoption and sobbed through much of it. Is that our path? The couple in the video struggled with infertility for nine years!

Please guide each of our decisions. I am trying chiropractic. Some people suggest cutting out products with chemicals (shampoo, deodorant, etc.), others say to go the testing/treatment route. Please guide us in timing and each step.

May we rely fully on You, not making family ultimate. Our heart's desire children, and we trust You as the Giver of life. Protect us from the trap of trying to earn gifts from You. We do not deserve children. May we be reminded that Christ was the ultimate gift and that we have received salvation through Him. Help me to grasp that truth.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Dear Lord,

We just decided to move back across the country in the summer. Our decision to move became so clear. Please guide us as clearly through fertility issues. Do we keep trying in the midst of transitions or should we just forget about it until settled?

We REALLY want kids. Honestly, I feel embarrassed moving back without kids. Our friends have all had babies since we left.

You open and close the womb, so what steps are we supposed to take? May we hear from You and be obedient.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

The Infertility Conundrum

Dear Lord,

We are in the middle of the infertility conundrum. We have been officially told that we fit the description of infertility and can see a specialist. The tests are invasive, expensive, inconvenient, and more.

How far do we take this process? How much money should we spend? Should money matter? When should we (or should we) adopt instead? I am not thrilled to go through the testing already, but fear shouldn't stop me, I suppose.

Please guide us. I know that You open and close the womb, so some (all) of the efforts seem somehow futile. But, You could put us through this trial to refine us before opening my womb. So much to think about! I feel peace in Your plan and excitement about adopting. But, we would love to have biological children, too.

Please help us communicate clearly with each other and remain on the same page throughout the process. Please help us to root out sin in our lives and honor You now and always.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Tears in My Sleep

Dear Lord,

I confess struggling with envy today. In my sleep, I was crying about friends having their baby. In my wakefulness, it didn't really bother me, but apparently it did inside. I am thrilled for them. The struggle is that we both started trying to conceive around the same time and didn't right away. Then, they announced that they were pregnant. We still aren't, and now they are parents.

I am happy for them and the MANY others who are new parents, and I am trying not to be envious. Please give us an appreciation for this phase of life and a peace that You will open my womb when (and if???) the time is perfect. In the meantime, may we seek Your face and honor You in everything.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen