I'm Going In

I'm going in for lab work today, even though the results may not be helpful. In my opinion, the point of the lab work is to determine what happens in a "normal" cycle. We already know this cycle is abnormal (I blame the HSG, but the nurse said it wouldn't mess things up), so how can we expect the test results to be normal? I guess it will be nice to have some results to review at the appointment next week.

After our first appointment, we scheduled a follow-up for two months later. Those two months were supposed to follow the "aggressive" plan. Instead, we are scrambling to pull together at least a wee bit of iffy information. At least the HSG finally happened. 

Anyway, you may remember that I'm not fond of needles. Due to a really busy day at work, C cannot come with me. I've never gone alone. This could be interesting. 

A Prayer of Frustration (Not Our News, Part 2)

Note: This is Part 2 of the "Not Our News" series. View Part One here. If you want to be notified of future posts, please subscribe or like the blog on Facebook (see sidebar). The events and feelings depicted actually occurred a few weeks ago but could not be shared until the news was public. Also, the people involved gave me permission to share. 

One Day After the News

Dear Lord,

I was right; they are expecting. Thank You for answering my prayers by providing us with grace to respond well. Today, I feel angry. I feel angry that nothing is going according to plan. While they get a surprise pregnancy, we get lousy tests and appointments canceled due to random snowstorms.

I am happy for them. I guess I just am not happy for us. I hate infertility. It's frustrating to have to go to the place of pregnant women in an effort to find why I can't join the club. It's frustrating to put ourselves through so much without knowing if it will pay off.

Help us to trust You and have right feelings. Please comfort our injured hearts and help us express thoughts well.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Not According To Plan

Remember how we chose the "aggressive" route for infertility testing and treatment? Guess how many of the things we planned to do this month actually happened. Zero. The HSG couldn't happen due to a scheduling conflict between our doctor and the hospital.

I was supposed to have several hormones checked through blood tests yesterday. On Sunday, it was about 70 degrees here. Yesterday, we had a snowstorm that caused the clinic to close, which meant that my test was canceled. Since yesterday was THE day to check those particular hormones, we have to wait another month for that one, too.

It feels like we are spinning our wheels. C and I had both been pretty down about infertility before my appointment in early February. Then, the appointment gave us hope. We had a plan and were going to be aggressive about the next steps. So far, nothing has gone according to plan. These road bumps are an extra reminder of other things that haven't gone according to plan, like having children.

One purpose of this blog is to provide an honest insight into infertility. If I put a positive or hopeful spin on everything, it won't be honest. Sometimes, hope is elusive and we just cannot think of positives. In these times, sins of selfishness, bitterness, anger, and envy creep in. Sometimes, the tears just flow.

Seasons of Infertility

Infertility seems to involve seasons. Sometimes we are up, sometimes we are down.

My December was dark, isolated, and miserable. Infertility felt like a heavier weight than ever around my neck. Thankfully, I came home from our Christmas trip feeling encouraged. Our time with family was refreshing, and I just feel more positive.

Unfortunately, my husband is having the opposite experience. He said today that he really wants someone to blame for our infertility. Not me, just someone. In his words, “If infertility was a person, I would punch it in the face.” Infertility is really painful for him this month. It’s hard to be around kids and families.