Hiding in the Corner Won't Help (Not Our News, Part 5)

Note: This post is Part 5 of the "Not Our News" series.  The events and feelings depicted actually occurred a few weeks ago but could not be shared until the news was public. Also, the people involved gave me permission to share. 

Five Days After the News

There have been times this week in which I want to just hide in the corner, pull a blanket over my head, and stay there. I didn't want to do this infertility thing anymore. I was done picking myself up and carrying on. I was done fighting. I just wanted to quit.

Then I realized that it wouldn't help. At the end of the day, I'd be in a sad, lonely heap in the corner. Then what? I could stay there, but what would that accomplish? I certainly wouldn't feel better. I only had one other option: get up and carry on. Stop focusing on how hard I have it or how miserable I am. I've had my cryfest; it's time to move on.

How can I move on? Count my blessings. Although Satan tries to distract me from seeing blessings and praising God, the blessings are still there. I still have the best husband on the planet. I am still part of two wonderful, godly families. We still have all of our needs met. We still owe everything to our Savior, whose suffering saved us from eternal suffering. Through Him, we get to leave suffering behind someday. Can I get an "amen"?

Another way I can move on is to stop thinking about myself and start thinking about others. Did I mention that my sister-in-law is pregnant?! My new little niece or nephew is being knit together by the Maker as I write this. Woohoo! In addition, my sister and brother-in-law are in the process of adding a third child to their family through adoption. Children are a blessing from the Lord. Period. Our children or otherwise. I will choose to recognize them as such and strive to be a great aunt.

A Prayer for Joy and Fruit (Not Our News, Part 4)

Note: This post is Part 4 of the "Not Our News" series.  The events and feelings depicted actually occurred a few weeks ago but could not be shared until the news was public. Also, the people involved gave me permission to share. 

Four Days After the News

Dear Lord,

Psalm 126:5 says, "Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!" May we indeed reap with joy. May there be fruit from our tears.

Thank You for lifting our spirits and providing distractions. Please help us find the right perspective. Help us fight the urge to hide in sadness and self pity. Please be our comfort in ways that we have never experienced. May we come out of every trial looking more like You.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

I'm A Dud (Not Our News, Part 3)

Note: This post is Part 3 of the "Not Our News" series. The events and feelings depicted actually occurred a few weeks ago but could not be shared until the news was public. Also, the people involved gave me permission to share. 

Three Days After the News

One purpose of this blog is to provide insight into infertility. I would be dishonest to put a positive or hopeful spin on everything. Sometimes, hope is elusive and we just cannot think of positives. In these times, sins of selfishness, bitterness, and envy are easy to fall into. Sometimes, they get the better of us.

Right now, I feel like a dud. We had almost six years to make C's parents into grandparents, but we failed. There is no excitement quite like the excitement produced by the first grandchild. We've been a part of it on my side of the family and always anticipated being the ones to give such joy to his side. When his younger sister got married last summer, we realized that they could have a baby before us. Every time they have called since then, we have wondered if they had news. This time, they did.

When my sister-in-law texted about doing a video call with us later that week, I knew instantly what it was about. My heart dropped into my stomach. I wasn't ready. I wasn't sure I would be able to respond graciously. I wasn't sure that I could feel joy for them in spite of my sorrow. I wasn't sure that I could hold a conversation without collapsing in tears. I didn't want to rob them of the joy that they should rightly feel, but I wasn't ready.

Thankfully, the Lord answered my prayers. C's sister and her husband have been very intentional about walking through infertility with us. They were just as intentional in announcing pregnancy. I was able to feel and express joy as long as I focused on them. As soon as my thoughts drifted to our situation, the tears started. One of the things I had prayed for was a transparent conversation with them. If we only showed joy and not pain, it wouldn't have been real. We would have put up a barrier, a false front. Instead, we were able to experience the joy and the pain together, complete with tears.

A few days later, I feel like a dud, a failure. I've never cried so much.

A Prayer of Frustration (Not Our News, Part 2)

Note: This is Part 2 of the "Not Our News" series. View Part One here. If you want to be notified of future posts, please subscribe or like the blog on Facebook (see sidebar). The events and feelings depicted actually occurred a few weeks ago but could not be shared until the news was public. Also, the people involved gave me permission to share. 

One Day After the News

Dear Lord,

I was right; they are expecting. Thank You for answering my prayers by providing us with grace to respond well. Today, I feel angry. I feel angry that nothing is going according to plan. While they get a surprise pregnancy, we get lousy tests and appointments canceled due to random snowstorms.

I am happy for them. I guess I just am not happy for us. I hate infertility. It's frustrating to have to go to the place of pregnant women in an effort to find why I can't join the club. It's frustrating to put ourselves through so much without knowing if it will pay off.

Help us to trust You and have right feelings. Please comfort our injured hearts and help us express thoughts well.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

A Prayer of Pleading (Not Our News, Part 1)

Note: This is Part 1 of the "Not Our News" series. If you want to be notified of future posts, please subscribe or like the blog on Facebook (see sidebar). The events and feelings depicted actually occurred a few weeks ago but could not be shared publicly for obvious reasons. Also, the people involved gave me permission to share.

One Day Before the News

Dear Lord,

Thank You for the beautiful sunshine today. Thank You for waking us up and having new mercies for today.

Lord, I find myself entirely focused on a fear of something possible, but unknown. D (my husband's sister) asked via text if we would video chat with her and her husband tomorrow. My heart sank instantly, and I have a strong feeling that they will announce pregnancy. And why shouldn't they? They've been married for seven months. They aren't in school. If we weren't related or close to them, we would advise them not to wait because they don't even know if they can conceive.

It's different when it's family. C is the oldest. We have been married for five years longer than them. We planned to bring the first grandchild into the S family. The reasons are selfish, but I don't feel ready to graciously receive their news. If that is why they want to talk, please give us grace to receive it well. Help us to be transparent about the mixture of emotions the news would bring, and may they be transparent, too. May infertility not be a distance-causer, but a bonding experience. Please help us. Please be sanctifying us through the process; may the suffering not be wasted, but may we be refined.

Lord, I plead with You; please bless us with a child soon. May we not be one of those couples dealing with infertility for five to ten years. If adoption is our route, please get us there quickly. Help us say and mean, "Not our will, but Yours be done."

In Jesus' Name,

Amen