Sunday, May 4, 2014

Clomid Round 1: A Failure

Clomid is not our wonder drug. From what I can tell, round one had precisely zero impact on my body. A few headaches and a queasy stomach made me hopeful that something was happening. Now, I can safely attribute the headaches to normal life and the queasiness to a crazy travel schedule and airport food.

Until today, we included the possibility that I could be pregnant in talking about the future, especially in planning the setup of our new house. Since Clomid can cause multiples, we would joke that twins would be great and that triplets would finally convince our parents to move closer. Now, more than ever, I doubt that I will ever be pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I know it could happen when we least expect (that just happened to one of my infertility friends). It just seems unlikely.

This afternoon, we had a "cumbersation" (a cumbersome conversation) about our next steps. We are not ready to share all of our decisions with the world. I will share one with you: the next round of Clomid will likely be the end of our infertility process for now. That means no more tests, no more treatments, and no more "trying" in the foreseeable future. Surprisingly, we are a little excited. The last several years have been an exhausting emotional roller coaster. Even if the exit is different than hoped, we are ready to get off the roller coaster. This summer will provide freedom that we haven't experienced in a long time. I will be free from viewing everything through an infertility lens. I can drink coffee, exercise just to be healthy, and forget about charting. We can get excited about moving into our new house and working on projects together. Can I get a "woohoo"?

As strange as it feels to be disappointed and excited at the same time, here we are. God has been slowly changing our expectations about family. We still are not sure what our family will look like, but we are excited to see.

Thanks so much for all of the prayers. Without them, I am confident that today would have been much, much harder.



8 comments:

  1. Glad you're excited about your decision. I pray for continuing peace for you as God shows you what's next.

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  2. I know what that exhausting emotional roller coaster feels like and can totally understand your relief of wanting to get off of it. I am also sorry to hear about the first failed attempt w/ Clomid. But I am confident that God is using this in your life and in the lives of others that you are touching through your blog! Thank you for your continued friendship, honesty, obedience, and desire to follow God's leading in your life. Praying for you both...

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    1. Thanks, Jackie. Your friendship has been invaluable during this journey. We are praying for you guys, too. :)

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  3. Hi! I am sorry for your disappointment, but excited to hear that your eyes are beyond this moment. I would agree that getting off the roller coaster of charting, testing,.....is refreshing. If round two is closed door as well, there must be some amazing window open for you in another way. Hoping and praying for you, The Boyds

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    1. Thanks for the prayers and encouragement, Sheri.

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  4. I will say that it is a nice break - stepping back from the charting, chlomid etc. Hope you are filled with His peace and joy while you take a step back xoxo

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    1. Thanks, Caroline. I know you've been through this phase, too.

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