Today Is the Day

We've been TTC for so long, that I can no longer imagine actually being successful. A few years ago, pregnancy seemed just around the corner. Now, I do not expect it at all. I can no longer even imagine a positive pregnancy test.

I have the first appointment with a new doctor today. This is the day we resume testing and pursue treatment. I expected to be excited, but fear is winning. I feel nervous about many things, and some of them surprise me:

• Hope - I am afraid to begin hoping again. Hopes can be crushed. Skepticism feels safe. Expecting nothing and getting something good is great. Expecting something and getting nothing is painful. 
• Pain - The medical community has devised several methods of torture (also known as tests and procedures) to identify and treat fertility issues. I don't know which ones will be prescribed for me, but they will almost certainly involve physical pain. I'm not a huge fan of pain.
• Decisions - How far are we willing to go in the process? How many thousands of dollars are we willing to spend? How much will we put my body through? Which medical advice to we listen to? Infertility is a constant web of decisions. Decisions are hard.
• Answers - We have tentative limits for how far we will go in the testing/treatment process. If my husband would not be willing to undergo a procedure recommended for me, we say we will be done. If I am put on hormones that make me crazy, we say we will be done. We say these things; however, the decision to actually stop and walk away would be SO hard. Heartbreaking. So, I am afraid of answers.
• No Answers - I think that my worst fear (maybe after pain) is that we will not receive any answers. Many people fall into a category called "unexplained infertility." Their tests come back normal. Doctors cannot find anything wrong. And yet, they are unable to conceive. They have reached "the end of the line." I don't want to get anywhere near the end of the line. I want them to do one test, see a problem, fix it, and be done. Is that too much to ask? (Probably).

So, with much trepidation, we prepare for the appointment. Prayers are appreciated.

I'm not sure how many details I will post, as I have no idea what to expect. I will try to share what might be appropriate and helpful. Thanks for reading. Please feel free to comment.