Monday, August 11, 2014

Inside the Tears

Infertility has messed me up in ways I don't even understand. Here's a glimpse into a struggle with myself:

Davy, why are you crying?
Because the tears are below the surface much of the time and sometimes they just spill over.

Don't you know that God is good?
Yes, He is. But I don't know what to do with that truth when it hurts. 

Are you believing that Jesus + Nothing = Everything, or have you decided that Jesus + Children = Everything?
If I had to choose between Christ and children, I would choose Christ. However, I feel confident that He has children for us. 

Seriously, why are you still crying?
I don't even know anymore. Maybe because people around me are having kids. People who didn't even know each other when we got married have kids now. People who got married after we started trying to conceive have two-year-olds and new babies. 

Would you want different for them?
No. I would not want anyone to go through pain like ours. Somehow, it still hurts.

It sounds like you are dealing with sins such as envy and selfishness.
Am I? I'm having a hard time distinguishing between godly sorrow and sin.

You should just trust in God's promises.
Okay, like this one from Psalm 128?
Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways!You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.
Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house;your children will be like olive shoots around your table.Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.
That one sure comes up a lot, but it doesn't seem to apply to us. Instead, it feels like salt in an open wound. Are we not part of "everyone"? Do we not fear the Lord enough?

Don't get caught up on that. The Bible includes several stories about barren women, and their barrenness is not due to lack of faith. Rather, it is for God's unique purposes.
Right. [Deep breaths]. 

I don't want to guess God's purposes, but have definitely thought about our future child(ren). We would probably not commit so much time and money into the infant adoption process if we had been able to conceive.
Sure, but we are just wasting time. The years are slipping by. 

The time is not wasted. If God has a specific child out there for us (and we believe He does), He needs to work every detail out accordingly. That child has a specific birthday, and every step of your process, from infertility to home study to approval to waiting, is pointing toward that day. You cannot go too fast or too slow. God has everything under control and is working out His perfect plan.
I know. I do trust Him, and I really look forward to seeing the plan unfold. But our arms are so empty. Our house is SO quiet. We feel so alone. 

You aren't.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.




This post is linked up with Titus 2sDay and the Infertility Link-Up

20 comments:

  1. I loved this post and I love this verse!!

    If we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance. ~Romans 8:25

    Keep believing! Keep trusting! Keep hoping!

    His words will never fail and His promises are true! (Psalm 145:13)

    waitingforbabybird.com

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    1. Thanks for the verses and encouragement, Elisha.

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  2. Praying right now...Hugs!

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  3. Davy this is so good! preach it girl!!!! Jesus + nothing = everything!

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    1. Thank you, Caroline. It's tough to remember sometimes.

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  4. Oh yes!!!!! These "spiritual" comments and platitudes are the worst. Sometimes there aer just no easy answers. After more than 6 years on the infertility roller coster, I hear you. It is extremely painful that many that weren't even in a relationship when we were started trying, are now married with one or two kids. Of course I'm happy for them. I would never wish anyone this pain. But, I feel so left behind.

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    1. Left behind is a common feeling for me, too. Calculating who has done what during our infertility struggle never helps, but it's SO hard not to.

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  5. This is such an honest and real post, thank you for sharing. This part particularly resonated with me:

    Are you believing that Jesus + Nothing = Everything, or have you decided that Jesus + Children = Everything?

    I think that is such a difficult concept, that God supplies all our needs (Phillippians 4v19), but it may not always be in the ways that we expect. Quite a challenge to rely on God for everything!

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    1. It is SUCH a challenge. Only God can teach us to rely on Him, and His methods can be painful.

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  6. I love you my dear friend! It is a blessing to many to see your transparency. It seems the LORD is using your children to sanctify you even now! Hugs and prayers for you and C.

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    1. Love you, too, Natalie. I hope this whole process is sanctifying me. The fruit is difficult to see sometimes.

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  7. I believe; Help my unbelief. I pray this (or some version of it) almost daily. Much love to you.

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  8. It is so hard to have watched these years go by with some friends having 2 & 3 kids in the time frame that we have tried to have just 1. I just have to keep reminding myself that God has a perfect plan for us too, we just have to keep praying and we will see it soon! HUGS!

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  9. I was trying to explain to my husband how I was happy for a friend's new baby, but sad for myself and he was really puzzled. Your words express it well. Even I have trouble distinguishing between envy and true sorrow. I would never wish my cross onto someone else, but my heart still hurts. Help my unbelief, Lord.

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    1. I'm confused by my own conflicting emotions, so I feel a little bad for the people around me. We must seem a little crazy.

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  10. I totally get the comparing to the people out there who got married after us and are on the second child already. And I too have a hard time distinguishing between grief and envy at times. This made an impact on me though: Are you believing that Jesus + Nothing = Everything, or have you decided that Jesus + Children = Everything? I'm gonna dwell on this one. Don't induce guilt on yourself though, 'kay? *hugs* :)

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    1. Thanks for the encouragement, Rhonda. The actual book "Jesus + Nothing = Everything," by Tullian Tchividjian, is worth reading if you want to think about the concept more.

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