After a Thanksgiving gathering, everyone wanted to gather and pray that the Lord would give us a child. They were so confident, like they expected God to answer their prayer right away. I found myself thinking, “Go ahead. Pray. It’s not going to change anything.” The thought surprised me. Of course, I believe that God answers prayer. I also believe that He is sovereign. He has intentionally placed us in a season of infertility. We don’t understand the reasons and don’t know how long the season will last. He is still God; He is still good.

While trusting God is good, unbelief disguised as skepticism is not. Skepticism protects me. If I don’t get my hopes up in the first place, I’m not as disappointed.

A Kind Announcement

We are now in round two (or three) of friends having babies. We missed the first (and second) rounds completely. This one is harder.

I am very thankful to the friend who announced her pregnancy so gently. Having briefly struggled with infertility, she understands the mixture of pain and joy at pregnancy announcements. I appreciated her method for several reasons:

• She made sure we were alone. Tears can be close to the surface, and pregnancy announcements may or may not make them overflow at bad times. By telling me privately, she gave me the freedom to cry in private rather than in front of others.
• She told me directly and in person. Knowing the announcement could cause pain, she could have taken an easier route like a Facebook post or text message. The news would have been even more painful second hand.
• She verbally acknowledged that the announcement could cause me pain. Her care and concern for me softened the blow. 
• She gave me an opportunity to celebrate with her. Pregnancy announcements are exciting and joyous. My desire to have what she has should not be allowed to rob me of joy for her.

Thankfully, the tears waited until she was gone. Then, I retreated into a world of tissues and prayer journals.

A Poem and A Prayer

We're left behind again today.
I don't know how to feel.
Tears are streaming down my face.
Lord, what are you calling us to?
I'm in an in-between with no end in sight.
I never wanted a career.
I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and wife.
Now what?

Are You calling us to adopt?
To be foster parents?
Are You teaching us to wait?
Waiting for us to obey?
Good gifts come from You.
We don't earn them.
Should we try? (No.)

Give me patience and faith in the waiting.
Guide us to any steps we should take.

I try to include myself, plan events, stay engaged. It's hard when talk revolves around kids; I just can't relate.

I love kids. I love my friends and their kids. I'm thrilled for them when they are expecting more kids. So where do I fit in? Should I be the ever-faithful babysitter? Do I dare try to do a ladies event that isn't a play date?

It's a lonely place: infertility. My husband feels it, too. Few people understand. None of our local friends do.

Lord, please help us. Get our hearts in the right place. Align our desires with Yours. May we rely on You and be united. Give us grace to be thankful, whatever the circumstances.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

The chiropractor said that the fused pelvis could contribute to infertility, but likely would not be a major factor. I had hoped that a heel lift and chiropractic adjustments would do the trick. Not anymore.

The chiropractor said that some women have been able to conceive after chiropractic care. She also took x-rays and saw that my pelvis is fused to a lower vertebrae. She said it likely was a birth defect.

I am actually relieved to find something “wrong.” So far, everything tested has come back normal. She gave me a heel lift to rotate my pelvis correctly. Here’s hoping!

I was praised today for holding babies in the midst of infertility. I love babies. Avoiding them would make infertility even harder.

At least, that’s how I feel today. Some days it is hard to be around our friends and their kids.

Testing Delayed

Dear Lord,

We learned that infertility testing will probably have to wait until February. I was hoping to resume right away, but a few months could be good. If it's Your will, may we conceive naturally before February. But, not our will, but Yours be done.

Please guide our thoughts and emotions as people around us announce pregnancies. May we rejoice with them and not grow bitter.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

In spite of taking care of myself, I’m still not pregnant. We’ve agreed to pursue testing again. This time, I am going to advocate for myself better. Hopefully, I can find a doctor who listens and answers questions well.