I Asked The Lord

Sometimes, church hits you in the face in a good way. This Sunday was one of those days for me. I was introduced to a hymn that could have been written by me [you know, if I was the poet/hymn writer type]. Fellow sufferers may relate. The hymn is "I Asked the Lord That I Might Grow," by John Newton. Here are the words:

I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, His face. 

’Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair. 

I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He’d answer my request;
And by His love’s constraining pow’r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest. 

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow’rs of hell
Assault my soul in every part. 

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low. 

Lord, why is this, I trembling cried,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
“’Tis in this way, the Lord replied,
I answer prayer for grace and faith. 

These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st find thy all in Me.” 

In his sermon, the pastor talked about being angry with God. I have felt hurt and frustrated by God, but had never realized that I might be a little angry at Him, too. After all, I know He is good, I know His plan is better than mine, so why would I be angry?

One part of the song hit the nail on the head:

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds,* and laid me low.

There's the reason for my anger. I had a plan. God ruined it. He ripped it up, stomped on it, and carried out His instead. How rude!

As a planner, I like to know where to go, what to bring, and exactly what is going to happen. My plan was as follows:

• Get married: check
• Set an example to other couples of the right way to do birth control (FAM) by naturally preventing pregnancy during law school: check
• Get pregnant as soon as law school ended, which would be easy after three years of charting: negatory
• Have four biological children, then adopt three: about that...

It was a good plan, or so I thought. Now, I see some pride and control issues. Either way, God messed with my plan, and I think it really has made me angry. But, I don't want to stay there. May the mission be accomplished in my soul:

These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st find thy all in Me.

Through infertility and extended childlessness, may the Lord free me from pride and selfishness until I find my all in Him. It's scary to pray that, but I want it to be true. Will you join me?

*"Blasted my gourds" likely refers to Jonah 4:7, in which God sends a worm to chew the plant Jonah had trusted for shelter.

- This version of the song can be downloaded here:  I Asked The Lord [Emily Deloach]

This post is linked with Amateur Nester's Infertility Link Up, Titus 2sdays, and Monday Musings.

Who and How?

Recently, I smiled and cried through a documentary called Haiti Love. The documentary follows our friends through their adoption of two girls from Haiti. We are blessed to know several people involved with the orphanage, Children of the Promise, and it was so neat to see a portion of their ministry. They are doing good work. Due to the ethical issues that can be involved in international adoption, I am thankful for orphanages like Children of the Promise that do everything in their power to keep children with their birth families. International adoption is only sought if the other measures fail.

We are so excited to see who God will place in our family and how. Will we meet a birthmother at the hospital for the birth of our child? Will we travel to another country to pick up a child? I don't know. Please pray with us that God would point us in the right direction at every step.

A (Major) Change of Plans

Our plans have changed dramatically in the last few weeks. I am still working to wrap my mind around everything, which is why I haven't shared the change on the blog until today. Our families have been very supportive throughout our journey, so we wanted to let them know first. Here is the email we sent:

Dear Family,
Our lives have taken a turn, and we want to bring you up to speed. For various reasons, we have decided to stop infertility testing and treatments for the foreseeable future. We will not be doing another round of Clomid after all. Instead, we are going to take the summer to focus on our new house. In September, we plan to begin the adoption process.

After more than three years of trying to conceive, this change feels very strange. Davy feels that infertility has been a factor in every decision she has made, from what to eat, to how to sit, to what soap to use. Freedom from the bondage of infertility seems very foreign. We are trying to come to grips with the untidiness of this decision. While testing has come to an end, the possibility of pregnancy will be there indefinitely. Some people go on birth control when they stop infertility treatments. We are starting to see why. Birth control is exactly that: control. We are surrendering (or attempting to surrender) control. God could choose to bless us with a surprise, but we will not be planning on that possibility.

This fall, we plan to take steps toward infant adoption. In an effort to truly take the summer off from family “planning” (as if planning is all it takes), we are not doing a lot of research or preparation yet. We have a local agency in mind, but will need to have certain questions answered before making a final decision.

You have all been so supportive in our journey. We are thankful and feel very blessed. If you would like to come alongside us and learn more, please consider reading the book Adopted for Life, by Russell Moore. The author and his wife have walked through infertility, adoption, and eventually had biological children. The book includes information for couples like us and for people who know couples like us (that’s you).

Please note that this decision does not have to be permanent. As many people remind us, we are still young(ish). If we wanted to pursue more treatment in several years, we could. For now, we plan to pursue adoption. We believe that God has a family planned for us, and we are excited to see who He places in our family and how. It’s exciting. Please be excited with us and please pray with us.
We love you all.
C and Davy

So there you have it. We are taking the summer off and then plan to pursue adoption. The ramifications are complex, so I will post more thoughts soon. If you have any questions, please leave them below. I will try to address them in a future post. Thank you for the support and encouragement.

Clomid Round 1: A Failure

Clomid is not our wonder drug. From what I can tell, round one had precisely zero impact on my body. A few headaches and a queasy stomach made me hopeful that something was happening. Now, I can safely attribute the headaches to normal life and the queasiness to a crazy travel schedule and airport food.

Until today, we included the possibility that I could be pregnant in talking about the future, especially in planning the setup of our new house. Since Clomid can cause multiples, we would joke that twins would be great and that triplets would finally convince our parents to move closer. Now, more than ever, I doubt that I will ever be pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I know it could happen when we least expect (that just happened to one of my infertility friends). It just seems unlikely.

This afternoon, we had a "cumbersation" (a cumbersome conversation) about our next steps. We are not ready to share all of our decisions with the world. I will share one with you: the next round of Clomid will likely be the end of our infertility process for now. That means no more tests, no more treatments, and no more "trying" in the foreseeable future. Surprisingly, we are a little excited. The last several years have been an exhausting emotional roller coaster. Even if the exit is different than hoped, we are ready to get off the roller coaster. This summer will provide freedom that we haven't experienced in a long time. I will be free from viewing everything through an infertility lens. I can drink coffee, exercise just to be healthy, and forget about charting. We can get excited about moving into our new house and working on projects together. Can I get a "woohoo"?

As strange as it feels to be disappointed and excited at the same time, here we are. God has been slowly changing our expectations about family. We still are not sure what our family will look like, but we are excited to see.

Thanks so much for all of the prayers. Without them, I am confident that today would have been much, much harder.

I'm Going In

I'm going in for lab work today, even though the results may not be helpful. In my opinion, the point of the lab work is to determine what happens in a "normal" cycle. We already know this cycle is abnormal (I blame the HSG, but the nurse said it wouldn't mess things up), so how can we expect the test results to be normal? I guess it will be nice to have some results to review at the appointment next week.

After our first appointment, we scheduled a follow-up for two months later. Those two months were supposed to follow the "aggressive" plan. Instead, we are scrambling to pull together at least a wee bit of iffy information. At least the HSG finally happened. 

Anyway, you may remember that I'm not fond of needles. Due to a really busy day at work, C cannot come with me. I've never gone alone. This could be interesting. 

Upon Further Review - An HSG Result Update

This blog is called "The Sea of TTC" for a reason. We were floating along yesterday and got sideswiped by an unexpected wave. It didn't tip us over, but we're a little less steady that we were before.

I received a call from my doctor yesterday. Apparently, the radiologist reviewed the results of my HSG again and noticed signs of abrasions (scar tissue) on the right side. Since the dye traveled through correctly during the test, the doctors are confident that the tube is not fully blocked. The scar tissue could be a sign of endometriosis, but doesn't look like it could be enough to cause infertility. Either way, the other side shows no signs of scar tissue.

So, what does this new information tell us? Good question. Basically, my doctor doesn't think our plan should change at this point. We still plan to check hormone levels in a few weeks. After that, we might try Clomid. However, if hormone levels are normal, no other red flags appear, and conception still does not occur, we may be faced with more invasive testing. First, we would probably do another ultrasound. If the ultrasound seems to also show scar tissue on the right side, our next step would be a laparoscopy.

Laparoscopy is one of those procedures we said we probably wouldn't do. It's an actual surgery involving anesthesia, incisions, and inflating the abdomen. Basically, it's a "let's get in there and see what's going on" procedure. On top of being very invasive and somewhat extreme, the procedure would be expensive. According to my estimations, our infertility expenses have already reached about $2,000 (the ultrasound was around $675, and the HSG was $900+ before insurance). The laparoscopy would be $1,000 to $5,000, although we don't know how much our insurance might cover. That money could be a great start to an adoption fund. In addition, the laparoscopy might not even fix anything. There is a chance they could open me up and find nothing interesting. So then, we would have spent a lot of money and put my body through surgery for nothing.

So, how much money should we spend and how much should we mess with my body? We don't know. Thankfully, we don't have to decide today. Maybe we will find a hormone problem. Maybe Clomid would work. If it doesn't, we will have some very difficult decisions to make.

I told C that I had two greatest fears in this process: 1) That we would receive the "unexplained infertility" diagnosis  2) That we would be presented with a next step and choose to walk away. While I am prepared to walk away if IVF ever becomes our only option, this one would be a little less clear.

And so, the process continues.

Today Is the Day

We've been TTC for so long, that I can no longer imagine actually being successful. A few years ago, pregnancy seemed just around the corner. Now, I do not expect it at all. I can no longer even imagine a positive pregnancy test.

I have the first appointment with a new doctor today. This is the day we resume testing and pursue treatment. I expected to be excited, but fear is winning. I feel nervous about many things, and some of them surprise me:

• Hope - I am afraid to begin hoping again. Hopes can be crushed. Skepticism feels safe. Expecting nothing and getting something good is great. Expecting something and getting nothing is painful. 
• Pain - The medical community has devised several methods of torture (also known as tests and procedures) to identify and treat fertility issues. I don't know which ones will be prescribed for me, but they will almost certainly involve physical pain. I'm not a huge fan of pain.
• Decisions - How far are we willing to go in the process? How many thousands of dollars are we willing to spend? How much will we put my body through? Which medical advice to we listen to? Infertility is a constant web of decisions. Decisions are hard.
• Answers - We have tentative limits for how far we will go in the testing/treatment process. If my husband would not be willing to undergo a procedure recommended for me, we say we will be done. If I am put on hormones that make me crazy, we say we will be done. We say these things; however, the decision to actually stop and walk away would be SO hard. Heartbreaking. So, I am afraid of answers.
• No Answers - I think that my worst fear (maybe after pain) is that we will not receive any answers. Many people fall into a category called "unexplained infertility." Their tests come back normal. Doctors cannot find anything wrong. And yet, they are unable to conceive. They have reached "the end of the line." I don't want to get anywhere near the end of the line. I want them to do one test, see a problem, fix it, and be done. Is that too much to ask? (Probably).

So, with much trepidation, we prepare for the appointment. Prayers are appreciated.

I'm not sure how many details I will post, as I have no idea what to expect. I will try to share what might be appropriate and helpful. Thanks for reading. Please feel free to comment.

A Poem and A Prayer

We're left behind again today.
I don't know how to feel.
Tears are streaming down my face.
Lord, what are you calling us to?
I'm in an in-between with no end in sight.
I never wanted a career.
I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and wife.
Now what?

Are You calling us to adopt?
To be foster parents?
Are You teaching us to wait?
Waiting for us to obey?
Good gifts come from You.
We don't earn them.
Should we try? (No.)

Give me patience and faith in the waiting.
Guide us to any steps we should take.

I try to include myself, plan events, stay engaged. It's hard when talk revolves around kids; I just can't relate.

I love kids. I love my friends and their kids. I'm thrilled for them when they are expecting more kids. So where do I fit in? Should I be the ever-faithful babysitter? Do I dare try to do a ladies event that isn't a play date?

It's a lonely place: infertility. My husband feels it, too. Few people understand. None of our local friends do.

Lord, please help us. Get our hearts in the right place. Align our desires with Yours. May we rely on You and be united. Give us grace to be thankful, whatever the circumstances.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

Testing Delayed

Dear Lord,

We learned that infertility testing will probably have to wait until February. I was hoping to resume right away, but a few months could be good. If it's Your will, may we conceive naturally before February. But, not our will, but Yours be done.

Please guide our thoughts and emotions as people around us announce pregnancies. May we rejoice with them and not grow bitter.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

What is my purpose in this phase? Our desire has been for me to stay at home with kids. As a result, I have never pursued a “career.” Now that kids aren’t coming, what am I supposed to do with myself? The demands of full time employment seemed to make our chances of conceiving even lower, so we have agreed that I will stay home at least part of the time.

I am learning that part time jobs in “my field” (if I have one) are hard to come by. The job search is exhausting, but I’m trying not to stress. After all, stress (and everything else) can contribute to infertility.

My desire is to volunteer with a ministry, but I have put that on hold until I have a job.

So, what is my purpose right now?

Another Prayer for Guidance

Dear Lord,

We have been trying to get pregnant for 2.5 years now. I know that You are the Giver of Life, so You have chosen to withhold a child from us thus far. I don't understand, but I trust that You know best.

I want to (and do) say that You will bless us with a child in Your timing. The struggle is what to do in the meantime. Do I drink special tea (I started drinking raspberry leaf tea today)? Do we spend an arm and a leg on tests? Do I gain weight or workout or stretch or go to the chiropractor? At the end of the day, You decide. So, these other steps seem futile or like I am trying to usurp control. I want to be obedient and take the right steps. Please guide us to them.

If it's Your will, please cause us to conceive by Christmas. Please.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

The Infertility Conundrum

Dear Lord,

We are in the middle of the infertility conundrum. We have been officially told that we fit the description of infertility and can see a specialist. The tests are invasive, expensive, inconvenient, and more.

How far do we take this process? How much money should we spend? Should money matter? When should we (or should we) adopt instead? I am not thrilled to go through the testing already, but fear shouldn't stop me, I suppose.

Please guide us. I know that You open and close the womb, so some (all) of the efforts seem somehow futile. But, You could put us through this trial to refine us before opening my womb. So much to think about! I feel peace in Your plan and excitement about adopting. But, we would love to have biological children, too.

Please help us communicate clearly with each other and remain on the same page throughout the process. Please help us to root out sin in our lives and honor You now and always.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen

I read my husband some information about the HSG, and he was very sympathetic. Then he looked at a diagram and officially freaked out. We may wait on that test for a while.

Test Results

Tests confirmed that male factor infertility is not the problem. That means it’s me, not him. More tests and treatments are available for female factor infertility, so I guess that is good news.

My progesterone level is good, so the doctor said that’s not the problem. I’m not a doctor, but I think the level would need to be checked on more than one day. Couldn’t it be normal one day and still drop too early? She wants to schedule an HSG. I feel like we have been put on the one-size-fits-all infertility track. I also need to look up HSG.

Someone knows someone who finally conceived after she stopped using regular shampoo, deodorant, and lotion. Something about the chemicals was harmful. Should I try that?

Oh, and caffeine reduces fertility. I will stop drinking caffeine.

The ultrasound results were normal. I guess that’s good news, but I was hoping for answers.

We talked to a doctor about infertility for the first time today. She doesn’t think my weight is a factor, but said I should try to put on a few pounds. And she wants to do an ultrasound. 

I expected my first ultrasound to be looking at a baby, not looking for problems.