Waiting for My Plans to Be Thwarted

God is good. His plan is perfect, far better than anything I could come up with. I can trust Him.

God is good. His plan is perfect, far better than anything I could come up with. I can trust Him.

This is my mantra lately.

I have found myself holding my breath in preparation for my plans to be thwarted. Then, I find myself frustrated with God for thwarting my plans in ways that haven't even happened yet.

Ridiculous? Yes. Reality? Also yes.

You see, we are about to officially begin the adoption process. Our first agency meeting is on Thursday, and I find myself hesitant. I am so excited about adoption and want to get there already. However, other feelings have surprised me. After transitioning from TTC to adoption, I am totally on board with adoption and not at all on board with getting pregnant. After wanting something for so long, I am shocked to find myself hoping it doesn't happen. And yet, here I am.

Many months ago, I came across an infertility blogger who immediately got back on the pill after deciding to stop treatments. At the time, I thought she was crazy. Why would you want to remove the chance of getting what you want at a time you didn't plan? Now, I get it. I think it's about control for me. I want things to go my way.

We wanted to conceive, but thus far God has thwarted that plan. Nearly four years later, we have become excited to adopt, and God better not mess it up this time. Woah! My surprising feelings are revealing a lack of faith and trust in God.

God is good. His plan is perfect, far better than anything I could come up with. I can trust Him.

My husband and I worked through my feelings over dinner last night. Mostly, I threw "what ifs" at him, and he calmly responded.

Me: "What if we start the adoption process and then find ourselves pregnant?!"
Him: "Then, we would get excited about our miracle baby."

Me: "What if people had donated money to help us pay for adoption?!"
Him: "Then, we would put the money in a fund for a future adoption. Having a biological child would not remove our desire to adopt."

Me: "But, but, but..."

And so, with much trepidation on my part, we begin the process. Please pray for us. After struggling through an abundance of disappointments and delays, we would love for something to go well and fall into place. If nothing else, we would like to walk away from the meeting on Thursday confident that we do or do not want to work with that agency.

If our family grows through adoption, God is already bringing circumstances together that will lead to a child being displaced from his or her biological family. Adoption begins with this tragedy. It is messy and sad and beautiful and happy and a picture of the gospel. Our adoption will be these things. Please join us in prayer.

God is good. His plan is perfect, far better than anything we could come up with. We can trust Him.

God is good. His plan is perfect. We can trust Him.

This post is linked up with Amateur Nester's Infertility Link Up.

Tuesday Tidbits (or Where Have I Been?)

Blogging has been a major part of my routine for quite some time now. As you may have noticed, I haven't posted anything new for a while. Why? I have about 2,892 posts floating around in my head, but let me give you a few tidbits about life lately:

• June
• Bought our first house
• Attended a conference in Florida
• July
• Painted every interior wall of the house
• Painted the brown, wooden trim white throughout the house (2 coats of primer + 2 coats of paint = approximately 45,000 hours of painting)
• Moved out of an apartment and into the house
• August
• Worked on house projects
• Learned that the adoption agency we wanted to work with has stopped accepting applications for now (which is good for the families on the waiting list, but bad for us)
• Met our puppy
• September
• Enjoyed having my parents visit for a week
• Took day trips to several locations
• Searched thrift stores and antique shops with my mom
• Decorated many of the bare walls in our house 
• Brought home our puppy
• Instantly became sleep deprived
• Found flea on puppy (EEEWWW!!)
• Panicked!
• Flea-bombed, laundered, and scrubbed everything in sight
• Took puppy outside as often as possible in hopes of keeping floor clean and dry
• Cleaned floor over and over and over again...
• Taught now-flealess puppy to sit and to fetch
• Snuggled with the cutest puppy known to man
• Learned that the informational meeting at our back-up adoption agency has been postponed another week

Whew! Is that enough to justify a blogging sabbatical? 

Like I said, I have a lot of posts floating around in my head. They will be coming at you soon, but for now, just look at this adorable little life-disrupter.

I Asked The Lord

Sometimes, church hits you in the face in a good way. This Sunday was one of those days for me. I was introduced to a hymn that could have been written by me [you know, if I was the poet/hymn writer type]. Fellow sufferers may relate. The hymn is "I Asked the Lord That I Might Grow," by John Newton. Here are the words:

I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, His face. 

’Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair. 

I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He’d answer my request;
And by His love’s constraining pow’r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest. 

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow’rs of hell
Assault my soul in every part. 

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low. 

Lord, why is this, I trembling cried,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
“’Tis in this way, the Lord replied,
I answer prayer for grace and faith. 

These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st find thy all in Me.” 

In his sermon, the pastor talked about being angry with God. I have felt hurt and frustrated by God, but had never realized that I might be a little angry at Him, too. After all, I know He is good, I know His plan is better than mine, so why would I be angry?

One part of the song hit the nail on the head:

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds,* and laid me low.

There's the reason for my anger. I had a plan. God ruined it. He ripped it up, stomped on it, and carried out His instead. How rude!

As a planner, I like to know where to go, what to bring, and exactly what is going to happen. My plan was as follows:

• Get married: check
• Set an example to other couples of the right way to do birth control (FAM) by naturally preventing pregnancy during law school: check
• Get pregnant as soon as law school ended, which would be easy after three years of charting: negatory
• Have four biological children, then adopt three: about that...

It was a good plan, or so I thought. Now, I see some pride and control issues. Either way, God messed with my plan, and I think it really has made me angry. But, I don't want to stay there. May the mission be accomplished in my soul:

These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st find thy all in Me.

Through infertility and extended childlessness, may the Lord free me from pride and selfishness until I find my all in Him. It's scary to pray that, but I want it to be true. Will you join me?

*"Blasted my gourds" likely refers to Jonah 4:7, in which God sends a worm to chew the plant Jonah had trusted for shelter.

- This version of the song can be downloaded here:  I Asked The Lord [Emily Deloach]

This post is linked with Amateur Nester's Infertility Link Up, Titus 2sdays, and Monday Musings.

Inside the Tears

Infertility has messed me up in ways I don't even understand. Here's a glimpse into a struggle with myself:

Davy, why are you crying?
Because the tears are below the surface much of the time and sometimes they just spill over.

Don't you know that God is good?
Yes, He is. But I don't know what to do with that truth when it hurts. 

Are you believing that Jesus + Nothing = Everything, or have you decided that Jesus + Children = Everything?
If I had to choose between Christ and children, I would choose Christ. However, I feel confident that He has children for us. 

Seriously, why are you still crying?
I don't even know anymore. Maybe because people around me are having kids. People who didn't even know each other when we got married have kids now. People who got married after we started trying to conceive have two-year-olds and new babies. 

Would you want different for them?
No. I would not want anyone to go through pain like ours. Somehow, it still hurts.

It sounds like you are dealing with sins such as envy and selfishness.
Am I? I'm having a hard time distinguishing between godly sorrow and sin.

You should just trust in God's promises.
Okay, like this one from Psalm 128?

Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways!You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.
Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house;your children will be like olive shoots around your table.Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.

That one sure comes up a lot, but it doesn't seem to apply to us. Instead, it feels like salt in an open wound. Are we not part of "everyone"? Do we not fear the Lord enough?

Don't get caught up on that. The Bible includes several stories about barren women, and their barrenness is not due to lack of faith. Rather, it is for God's unique purposes.
Right. [Deep breaths]. 

I don't want to guess God's purposes, but have definitely thought about our future child(ren). We would probably not commit so much time and money into the infant adoption process if we had been able to conceive.
Sure, but we are just wasting time. The years are slipping by. 

The time is not wasted. If God has a specific child out there for us (and we believe He does), He needs to work every detail out accordingly. That child has a specific birthday, and every step of your process, from infertility to home study to approval to waiting, is pointing toward that day. You cannot go too fast or too slow. God has everything under control and is working out His perfect plan.
I know. I do trust Him, and I really look forward to seeing the plan unfold. But our arms are so empty. Our house is SO quiet. We feel so alone. 

You aren't.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.

This post is linked up with Titus 2sDay and the Infertility Link-Up. 

What We Thought We Wanted

We have been working crazy hours on the house. While swishing a paintbrush, a little thought keeps popping into my head: "This process would be so much harder if we had kids." Every time, I quickly add, "Of course, I would much rather have kids."

Working on the house has reminded me of the things that we wanted to do before having kids. Couples often come up with a before-children to-do list that looks something like this:

Infertility Is Like A Sliver

[I wrote this post last week, but haven't had internet until today. Better late than never, right? Moving is a pretty good excuse, I think.]

I have a sliver in my finger from the trim in our new house. It doesn't want to come out. At first, my finger was sore and inflamed. The sliver made it hard to continue life as usual. The sliver would catch on everything and send shooting pain up my sensitive pinky. Trying to remove the sliver just made it worse. Eventually, the swelling went down and the soreness went away. But, the sliver still catches on things sometimes. Just when I forget, my finger gets bumped.

Infertility is the same way. In some seasons, infertility has sent shooting pain into every part of my life. In others, I forget the infertility sliver is there until it gets bumped. In all seasons, I want it gone.

Due to our shift toward adoption, our big trip, and our new house, infertility has been a much smaller part of my life lately (Praise the Lord!). Distraction has been so good. I was reminded last weekend that infertility is not gone. My infertility sliver was bumped.

It was a perfect storm. I was exhausted from working so hard on the house. My hormones were at that cry-at-anything level. And I hadn't thought about infertility in a while. Then, we went to church. At one point in the service, my thoughts became self focused and I started thinking about how long we have been trying to start a family: 3.5 years. If you haven't done this mental exercise yet, just don't go there. Nothing good can come of it. Anyway, I started calculating. In the last three years, that couple has had two kids. This other couple has gotten married, had one kid, and is expecting another. You see? Bad idea. As the numbers and covetousness rolled through my head, my husband turned and asked if I was okay. I said yes, then started to wonder if he was okay. Our family-oriented church has been a tough place for both of us to be at times. Nothing makes me cry faster than seeing my husband hurting like that. I didn't cry though, not yet.

Then, we sang "The Song." The song that hurts our hearts every time. The one that makes us wonder what we did to deserve infertility, then makes us remind ourselves that God is not vengeful like that. That God is good. The song that bumps my infertility sliver so hard every time. The song we used to love, called "Blessed the Man that Fears Jehovah." It is based on Psalm 128:

Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord,

who walks in his ways!

You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands;

you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.

Your wife will be like a fruitful vine

within your house;

your children will be like olive shoots

around your table.

Behold, thus shall the man be blessed

who fears the Lord.

The Lord bless you from Zion!

May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem

all the days of your life!

May you see your children's children!

Peace be upon Israel!

I lost it. In the middle of church. I thought about leaving, but my face does not handle crying discreetly. The instantly bright red nose and eyes would be a dead give away. So, I stayed in the pew with tears streaming down my face and my husbands arm around me. Stupid infertility. 

And thus, I was reminded that the infertility sliver has not gone anywhere. It is still there and will continue to be bumped. Eventually, God will remove the infertility sliver, hopefully by blessing us with adopted or biological children. Until that day, I need to be prepared. I need to remind myself that God is good and that infertility has brought blessings, not just sorrow. I need to avoid the trap of comparison and envy. I must choose joy in spite of the sliver.

P.S. By the way, the actual sliver in my finger is tiny. It does not want to be removed, but will work it's way out eventually.

You Are Not Alone

I spent the weekend with 4,000 women. The conference was wonderful, but I will share more about that later. Today, I just want to remind you that you are not alone, whatever your struggle. The interactions I had with a variety of women reminded me of that fact. One woman recently experienced a miscarriage, one mother dealt with infertility for several years before having biological children, and her sister was adopted and has adopted through foster care. Another women is dealing with secondary infertility, yet another has walked through endometriosis and cervical cancer and is beginning the adoption process. And those were just the women I talked to! In a crowd of 4,000, there must have been many, many more.

Recognizing the similar struggles of these women also reminded me of the other struggles represented. The mother of a child with disabilities was not alone. The caretaker of aging parents was not alone. The widow was not alone. Every woman there had a struggle, and she was not alone. 

Let's live that way. Let's recognize the struggles of those around us. Let's be willing to be vulnerable with our own struggles. Let's encourage one another. We are not alone.

*This post was linked up with the Infertility Link Up.

Liebster Award

I was nominated for a Liebster Award by a fellow infertility blogger at The Quest for a Tiny Human. The nomination comes with rules. As a result, this post is going to be different than my others.

The Rules

1. Post 11 random facts about myself.
2. Answer 11 questions the awarding blogger has asked.
3. Nominate 11 blogs with less than 200 followers, add their links to this post and let them know they have been nominated.
4. Create 11 questions the nominated bloggers have to answer.
5. Post The Rules!

11 Random Facts About Myself

1. I am an editing nerd. My dream job would be finding typos and comma errors in text. That does not mean my writing is perfect.
2. My love of editing led me to major in English, but I only lasted one semester. I did not enjoy writing a paper for every class session. The final straw came in Intro to Poetry. We were told to write a free verse poem. Free verse apparently had no rules, and yet I somehow did it wrong. The professor could not tell me exactly how my poem was wrong, but the grade said it was. In the end, I graduated with a Communication - Public Relations degree and an English minor.
3. I am horrible at making decisions.
4. I have a hate/hate relationship with mice. They seem to be everywhere I want to be. I blame my irrational paralyzing fear on overexposure as a child. We lived in an old farm house on a farm. Mice just came with the territory. They taunt me. When normal mice would run away, a mouse in my apartment ran straight toward me, a screaming human. Four mice tried to join us on our honeymoon, so we left. Thankfully, we have been mouse-free for several years. I am REALLY hoping they stay away from our new house.
5. I am the middle of three sisters.
6. Don't tell anyone, but I was homeschooled through tenth grade. Homeschooling is not for everyone, but I think it's a great option.
7. I am a serious people-person, an extrovert. I would love to be with people at all times, but am perfectly happy to just hang out at home with my husband. If he's not there, I would rather be out and about.
8. I am 15/16ths German and 1/16th Swedish (I think). Some of my ancestors were Mennonite, and at least one was Hutterite.
9. Growing up, I was the odd one in family pictures. My parents and sisters have dark hair and dark eyes. I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I was also the only one with glasses. My family is great.
10. I am a big fan of my husband (see this post).
11. Last but most importantly, I would not have made it through this infertility journey without the Lord. I believe that suffering such as infertility is not an accident. God is not frantically scrambling around trying to make good out of bad. Instead, He carefully ordains suffering for our good and His glory. Without suffering, we would not learn to rely on Him. If things were hunky-dory all the time, I think we would be totally selfish, totally independent people. Suffering stinks, but it serves a purpose.

Questions and Answers

1. What is your favorite movie?
• I can't pick just one. Pride and Prejudice, You've Got Mail, and The Blindside are three that come to mind.
2. What is your best memory?
• My husband's law school graduation. Our first three years of marriage were his law school years. Graduation marked the end of an intense era. Surrounded by family and friends, I got quite emotional as he marched into the room in that funny legal graduation garb. It was a good day.
3. What is your greatest accomplishment?
• I am not sure. Maybe moving seven times in six years of marriage and not losing my sanity?
4. Who do you admire?
• My parents and my husband's parents. They set great examples for their kids.
5. What is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for you?
• Wow. That's a tough question. I think of a pattern of events more than one particular incident. Sometimes, I get overwhelmed and frantically think myself in circles. In infertility, that happened several times as a result of too much online "research." My husband kindly gets my attention, calms me down, and points me in the right direction. 
• When we were dating, we floated the Yellowstone River in Montana with family and friends. None of us had checked the weather, and we ended up in a lightning storm. The temperature dropped dramatically, and hypothermia was becoming a concern. After waiting the storm out on the river bank, we jumped back in (the only way to get to our cars). Unfortunately, the river was low, so the remaining trip was miserable. I could either stay on top of the tube and freeze or hold on and be dragged on the rocky river bottom. In desperation and in tears, I chose option three and took off walking on sharp, slippery rocks in a strong current up to my knees. I may have been losing my mind a little. As I slipped, my then-boyfriend/now-husband told me to get on the tube. So I did. And I survived. His direction was a kindness.
6. What is the first thing you notice about someone when you first meet them?
• Their genuineness or lack thereof, at least my take on it.
7. Would you rather watch sports or play sports?
• My husband will probably laugh when he reads this, but I would rather play sports. I have a VERY short attention span when it comes to watching sports (except during the Olympics). I'm not actually good at any sports, so I don't really play.
8. If money was no object, what would you do all day?
• Volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center, spend time with people, and give a lot of gifts.
9. What is your greatest strength?
• My husband says loyalty and organization.
10. Do you prefer summer or winter?
• Summer. A thousand times over. I love my family in the North, but hope to stay down here where it's warm. Winter is not my thing.
11. If you could meet anyone in the world, who would it be?
• This answer is totally cliche, but true. I would want to meet Jesus. I think he was dramatically different than portrayed today. The Jesus I see in the New Testament wasn't gentle, timid, or tolerant. He called people on their sins and demanded righteousness. He challenged the status quo. If I could meet him on Earth today, I would probably cringe at his lack of political correctness. But I would love to meet him.

My Nominees

I am breaking the rules here and only nominating a few. If you want to be added to the list, please comment below. I have no idea how to tell how many followers you have total, so please don't be offended if you have more than 200. :) 

1. Glory in the Valley
2. Notes from Heidi
3. Nicole Joelle: Learning to Dwell
4. Blessed to Be
5. Genuine Greavu

Questions for the Nominees

1. Why do you blog?
2. What is your favorite book?
3. If you could live in any other country, which one would you choose?
4. Do you know any foreign languages? If so, which one(s)?
5. How many states have you visited?
6. What was the best class you ever took?
7. What is your favorite gadget and why?
8. Who is your biggest hero?
9. What was your favorite vacation?
10. Do you prefer shopping in person or online? Why?
11. What is your favorite family tradition?

If you are still reading, I am very impressed. This post might be my longest ever. Did I miss anything? If have any questions or post ideas, please comment below. Thanks for reading!

From Isolation To Community

Lisa at Amateur Nester recently did a poll about openness during infertility. Some people are very open, but on an anonymous blog. Others tell just the people closest to them. As you can see from my blog, I am very open. I am the same way in person.

Obviously, different levels of openness are appropriate for different people. I just wanted to share today about the community that came from sharing my story.

Isolation is one of the most painful feelings involved in infertility. Sharing my story allowed me to connect with others who have gone through similar isolation. These connections took away the feeling of isolation. And good riddance!

When I first went public with the blog, I had at least seven ladies contact me within a few days. They included people I knew in college, friends of friends, and former coworkers. No matter our relationship before, we instantly had a camaraderie. And each of us suddenly felt less isolated.

I have gotten hugs from infertility sisters at church, chatted with them randomly in airports, and had countless conversations with people who get it. Yesterday, I was blessed by meeting someone in my area who has walked through infertility and is now in the adoption process.

Navigating infertility and adoption is so complicated and overwhelming. I cannot even describe the relief from learning that I am not alone. Others have walked this journey before (and ended up with children). Many are walking it now. Sharing my story has connected us. What a blessing!

How has sharing your story (infertility or otherwise) encouraged you?

This post was linked up with Amateur Nester Infertility Linkup, WholeHearted Wednesday, Share With Me, Lovely Thursdays, Essential Fridays, and Saturday Sharefest.

5+ Thoughts on Infertility and Adoption

We are in a strange place between infertility and adoption. Infertility has not left us, but we are not doing anything about it right now. Adoption has been decided upon, but we are not doing anything about it right now. In this in-between phase, several thoughts have been tumbling around in my head.

[I recently read a caution for bloggers to avoid publishing incomplete thoughts. I am warning you in advance: these thoughts are half-baked.]

• I think that God is wise to point us toward "paper pregnancy" rather than normal pregnancy. I am a nerd and actually enjoy paperwork. On the other hand, I do not enjoy medical procedures of any kind. Physical pain is not a particular favorite, either. So, paper pregnancy just might be the way to go. 
• The costs involved in adoption are staggering. A home study will be one of our first major expenses, costing around $4,000. I understand that labor and delivery costs just slightly more than that, but that's beside the point. The home study is only the beginning.
• We eagerly anticipate the day our child is placed in our arms. However, on or near that day, the placement fee will be due. Depending on the circumstances, the placement fee could be around $18,000. That is a lot of money. So, on one hand, we want the adoption process to go as quickly as possible. On the other hand, we need time to save and raise money. A lot of money. 
• I have been told to expect the final total to be around $30,000. Thirty thousand dollars. When I hear a number like that, I start to think, "Maybe we could have tried just a few more infertility treatments." Then I remember what infertility land was like. I hated it. I hated the procedures, the paralyzing thoughts, the illusions of control and lack thereof, the waiting. No part of me wants to go back to that.
• In some ways, the costs of infertility treatment and adoption may be comparable. For example, one round of IVF might cost $25,000, slightly less than adoption (I realize that treatments and various types of adoption have drastically different costs, so this is just an example). In another way, the costs are very different. With adoption, the majority of the expense is paid only when a child is placed in our arms. With infertility treatment, the costs may be small or they may stack up to $90,000 or more. We would have to pay for the treatment regardless of the outcome. So, we could have paid many thousands of dollars and still not end up with a child. To me, it felt like trying to fill a bucket that may or may not have a bottom. 

I know it's cliche, but I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone. My heart is heavy for the people I know still struggling through infertility treatments. This post is not meant to pressure anyone to stop treatments and pursue adoption. I think that adoption should not be pursued unless your heart is in it. If your heart is still in treatments, it's not time to adopt. My heart was not in treatments anymore. God seems to have pointed our hearts toward adoption at this time, but the agony of infertility does not quickly disappear. I believe that God used pain and struggle to change us. Eventually, we realized that adoption didn't feel like a back-up plan, but was instead an exciting option. I do not understand the methods, but I trust His plan.

This post is linked up with Amateur Nester's Infertility Linkup.

Silence, Puppies, and Contentment

We almost bought a puppy this weekend. If not for the upcoming move, I think we would have. He was a playful little Morkie (Maltese/Yorkshire Terrier) at the pet store we shouldn't have visited. We have talked ourselves out of getting a dog for years. They are expensive. They are restrictive. They are dirty. They are a lot of work.

And yet, I think we will get a dog soon. Why? To take away the silence. To bring life into our home. To distract us and get us outside.

Sometimes silence is sweet. Other times, it reminds you of what is missing. My mom friends may wish for some of that silence. Don't. You wouldn't enjoy it for long. No noise unless you make it. No entertainment unless you find it. No living person or thing that needs you to get up in the morning. No giggles. No pitter patter. Just you. Trust me, you wouldn't enjoy it for long.

Silence belongs in certain phases of life. This is not one of them. Empty nesters have years of noise and activity to remember. After the chaos of wedding preparation, newlyweds enjoy the silence of just being alone together. Don't get me wrong, we still enjoy being together. We are best friends. But sometimes, the silence is deafening.

We can and do distract ourselves. I think some of our bad habits may be efforts to distract ourselves. At the end of the day, our home is silent. So, we should get a dog, right? I used to laugh at people who had dogs instead of children. Dogs are obviously NOT children. But, they are alive, they depend on you, they entertain you, and they make noise.

This post is not intended to make you feel sorry for me. Maybe it can remind us all to be content whatever the circumstances, whether noisy or silent. Maybe it can remind us that God is enough. We don't need God and kids or God and a puppy; we need the peace and satisfaction that only He can provide.

For my friends dealing with infertility, how have you coped with the silence? Have your furry friends been therapeutic? What verses have encouraged you?

This post was linked up with Amateur Nester, WFMW (Works For Me Wednesday), Winsome Wednesday, and Rich Faith Rising.

Adoption Does Not Cause Pregnancy, and Other Thoughts

You may have read lists of things to say and not to say to people in certain categories (e.g. pregnant women, adoptive parents, etc.). Infertility is one of those categories.

Many of us in the infertility world have heard this one a few times: "Once you start the adoption process, you'll get pregnant. That's what happened to my friend." Adoption does not cause pregnancy. Seriously, it doesn't. Some people may conceive during the adoption process, but the adoption had nothing to do with it.

As we turn toward adoption, I find myself afraid of reinforcing the misconception. "What if I'm THAT person, the one that gets pregnant during the adoption process?!! That would be so horrible!" Then, I realize that I'm saying pregnancy would be horrible. Pregnancy: the condition I have been trying to achieve for so many years. Ridiculous. If I had to choose between reinforcing a misconception or having a child, I would obviously choose having a child. Obviously.

Other than these ridiculous thoughts, I am in a great place right now. I am happier than I have been for a LONG time. I'm excited about things like our new house and an upcoming trip to Florida. More than anything, I'm excited about adoption. We both are. I know it will be a long journey, possibly involving heartbreak. Still, I am excited. For the first time, I am watching for items for our baby's room ["Our baby"? What?]. Lord willing, a baby will be joining our family in the next year or so. This is really happening, and I'm excited!

Burden or Blessing?

I recently came across Jillian's story. Jillian and her husband walked through infertility to international adoption, and then back into the infertility world. Her story is particularly meaningful to me, because I would not be surprised to follow in her footsteps. While excited to pursue adoption, we may consider further treatments in several years.

On the other hand, I notice a striking difference in our stories. Jillian describes the longing she feels to experience pregnancy. I used to feel that, but the feeling seems to be gone. I find myself very curious about pregnancy and excited for my pregnant friends, but that is all. The change makes me wonder if God had a different plan for me all along. I consider my hatred of needles, my low pain tolerance, and my hesitance about many things pregnancy would require. Maybe God knew that infertility would refine me and that adoption would be better for us. Maybe the burden of infertility was actually a blessing.

While more treatments may be in our future, we are proceeding as if each of our children will be placed in our home through adoption. God's plan is perfect, and He will carry it out. We are trusting Him to lead us and provide for each step of the journey.

Side Note: Thinking about childlessness and infertility can be really heavy sometimes. If you need a pick-me-up, feel free to stop by my other blog for "What A Difference A Towel Makes." The post is about my most recent rookie mistake at the gym.

Taking a Break Means Putting on the Brakes

This is our summer off. We agreed to take the next several months to forget about infertility and adoption, allowing ourselves to be excited about the new house and just live life for a while.

But, I got ahead of myself. In a moment of weakness, I checked the criteria for adoptive families on the website of the agency we planned to use. Uh-oh. The agency has a strict "alcohol, tobacco, and drug free" policy. Two of the three are not a problem, but we do occasionally have alcohol. We believe that alcohol is a good gift from God when used wisely.  Now, we could swear off alcohol until the adoption was final, but that wouldn't be honest. If the agency so clearly disagrees with us on this issue, we would be concerned that they could bump us down on the waiting list. So, we decided to work with a different agency.

Our plan had been to not take any steps toward adoption until September, but that was when we thought the agency was already chosen. So, I started doing research (usually a bad idea for me). Soon I was reading about adoption grants and fundraisers, watching adoption videos, creating spreadsheets, and overwhelming C with thoughts and questions. After a few days of chaos, he was kind enough to reign me in. This was supposed to be our summer off.

We came to a new agreement: I will research adoption agencies, and only adoption agencies, for the next two weeks. At the end of two weeks, I will reveal my agency comparison spreadsheet to C, and we will choose an agency. Then, we will do nothing else adoption-related until September. It's hard for me to even write that. I want to read and research and apply and get approved and bring home a baby tomorrow, or even today. But instead, we will wait. We need this time of rest and recovery after our long season of struggle.

Please pray for us. Pray that we connect with the agency that will lead us to our child. Pray that God helps us truly let go of infertility stress this summer.

Thank you all for the prayers and encouragement.

Burgers and Fertility

Yesterday was Memorial Day. Memorial Day reminds me of burgers, which explains the desire for burgers we encountered yesterday. My failure to plan in advance for this desire led us to good 'ol Burger King. 

Let me tell you, we snarfed down those Whoppers like nobody's business. Guess what? I felt free to eat that Whopper. Thoughts of "This meal could negatively affect fertility" were replaced by "This meal might shorten our lives, but boy is it good!" I don't think fertility even entered my mind. 

What is that you say? "Welcome to normal life"? Why, thank you. I'm happy to be here.

We Quit, and That's Okay

We stopped testing and treatments. Doctors didn't tell us we should. In fact, we could have tried MANY more tests and treatments. After all, we did not even receive a definitive diagnosis. We quit. And that's okay.

C and I are both perfectionists and achievers. In many ways, infertility has felt like continuous failure. Every month, we have been hit in the face with this "failure." After three years, we are tired of it. Yes, medical professionals could do more for us. Yes, chiropractors and naturopaths would do more. Maybe in a few years, we will ask them to try. But, it is okay for us to walk away now, and it would be okay for us to never go back. I refuse to see infertility as failure.

We have always wanted to adopt. Our family plan (which now seems laughable) was to start with a few biological children, then to add several adopted children. I love to have a plan that is perfectly executed. Obviously, family is not something I could plan. God has recently been focusing both of us on adoption. Infertility tests and treatments felt increasingly like paying money to beat our heads against a wall. So, we asked ourselves why. When neither of us had a good reason that adoption wouldn't also address, we knew it was time to stop. So we quit. And that's okay.

A (Major) Change of Plans

Our plans have changed dramatically in the last few weeks. I am still working to wrap my mind around everything, which is why I haven't shared the change on the blog until today. Our families have been very supportive throughout our journey, so we wanted to let them know first. Here is the email we sent:

Dear Family,
Our lives have taken a turn, and we want to bring you up to speed. For various reasons, we have decided to stop infertility testing and treatments for the foreseeable future. We will not be doing another round of Clomid after all. Instead, we are going to take the summer to focus on our new house. In September, we plan to begin the adoption process.

After more than three years of trying to conceive, this change feels very strange. Davy feels that infertility has been a factor in every decision she has made, from what to eat, to how to sit, to what soap to use. Freedom from the bondage of infertility seems very foreign. We are trying to come to grips with the untidiness of this decision. While testing has come to an end, the possibility of pregnancy will be there indefinitely. Some people go on birth control when they stop infertility treatments. We are starting to see why. Birth control is exactly that: control. We are surrendering (or attempting to surrender) control. God could choose to bless us with a surprise, but we will not be planning on that possibility.

This fall, we plan to take steps toward infant adoption. In an effort to truly take the summer off from family “planning” (as if planning is all it takes), we are not doing a lot of research or preparation yet. We have a local agency in mind, but will need to have certain questions answered before making a final decision.

You have all been so supportive in our journey. We are thankful and feel very blessed. If you would like to come alongside us and learn more, please consider reading the book Adopted for Life, by Russell Moore. The author and his wife have walked through infertility, adoption, and eventually had biological children. The book includes information for couples like us and for people who know couples like us (that’s you).

Please note that this decision does not have to be permanent. As many people remind us, we are still young(ish). If we wanted to pursue more treatment in several years, we could. For now, we plan to pursue adoption. We believe that God has a family planned for us, and we are excited to see who He places in our family and how. It’s exciting. Please be excited with us and please pray with us.
We love you all.
C and Davy

So there you have it. We are taking the summer off and then plan to pursue adoption. The ramifications are complex, so I will post more thoughts soon. If you have any questions, please leave them below. I will try to address them in a future post. Thank you for the support and encouragement.

Mother's Day for the Wanna-Be's

Mother's Day can be a tough one for childless people like me. Surprisingly, it didn't bother me this year. I have learned that emotions really cannot be predicted. Why would I burst into tears during a random church service, but not on Mother's Day? Maybe expecting strong emotion is enough to keep it away. Anyway, I am just one person dealing with infertility. There are many, many more. If you truly want to understand how the infertile people around you are feeling, try reading some of these posts:

• "I Heard What You Said"- A sweet story about Mother's Day and reaching out.
• "Happy Mother's Day" - Mother's Day after miscarriages 
• "Infertility Is A Cruel Cruel World" - On surviving Mother's Day
• "Mother's Day 2014" - Kind gestures on Mother's Day

I noticed several thoughtful posts circulating last week, specifically here, here, here, and here. They encouraged people to remember people who may struggle on Mother's Day. I think we should try to be mindful of those around us, but still fully embrace joy. A friend may be mourning the loss of her mother, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't celebrate your own mother. Similarly, my lack of children doesn't mean that you should avoid celebrating yours.

On Sunday, I received messages and hugs from several friends. They realized it could be a tough day, so wanted to let me know they were thinking of and praying for me. I felt very loved. Mothers are worth celebrating. As I have said before, I don't want my infertility to dampen anyone else's joy. Kind gestures are deeply appreciated, but I would not want to shift the focus of the day to myself. Someday, Mother's Day will apply to me, and I look forward to that day!

Clomid Round 1: A Failure

Clomid is not our wonder drug. From what I can tell, round one had precisely zero impact on my body. A few headaches and a queasy stomach made me hopeful that something was happening. Now, I can safely attribute the headaches to normal life and the queasiness to a crazy travel schedule and airport food.

Until today, we included the possibility that I could be pregnant in talking about the future, especially in planning the setup of our new house. Since Clomid can cause multiples, we would joke that twins would be great and that triplets would finally convince our parents to move closer. Now, more than ever, I doubt that I will ever be pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I know it could happen when we least expect (that just happened to one of my infertility friends). It just seems unlikely.

This afternoon, we had a "cumbersation" (a cumbersome conversation) about our next steps. We are not ready to share all of our decisions with the world. I will share one with you: the next round of Clomid will likely be the end of our infertility process for now. That means no more tests, no more treatments, and no more "trying" in the foreseeable future. Surprisingly, we are a little excited. The last several years have been an exhausting emotional roller coaster. Even if the exit is different than hoped, we are ready to get off the roller coaster. This summer will provide freedom that we haven't experienced in a long time. I will be free from viewing everything through an infertility lens. I can drink coffee, exercise just to be healthy, and forget about charting. We can get excited about moving into our new house and working on projects together. Can I get a "woohoo"?

As strange as it feels to be disappointed and excited at the same time, here we are. God has been slowly changing our expectations about family. We still are not sure what our family will look like, but we are excited to see.

Thanks so much for all of the prayers. Without them, I am confident that today would have been much, much harder.

A Strange Week to Miss

I missed National Infertility Awareness Week. One week per year is dedicated to infertility, and I totally missed it. After reading infertility blogs and writing on this blog multiple times every week for months, I missed the one week per year that is dedicated to infertility. Ridiculous! How could I miss it? Well, you see, we found a house to buy and started the mortgage process. Then, we traveled "home" for several very busy days. Blogging necessarily took a backseat.

After kicking myself for making such a "huge" mistake, I started to feel a little silly. I don't actually need a week to be aware of infertility. I'm aware of infertility every week, every day in fact. Infertility is in the back of my mind nearly all of the time. Sit up straighter; a squished spine might decrease fertility. Don't drink that cup of coffee; caffeine might decrease fertility. Take that prenatal vitamin; my body needs to be ready to carry a baby. Eat more vegetables to improve fertility. Get more sleep to avoid hindering fertility. Don't get too stressed. Stay away from "normal" shampoo; the chemicals are linked to infertility.

I'm tired of being aware of infertility.  I know many people have been on this road for way longer, and I really feel for them. We all long for the days when we thought a positive pregnancy test always resulted in a healthy baby, when we thought pregnancy was inevitable unless prevented, when we assumed that life would follow our own plans.

National Infertility Awareness Week is not really for us. It's for those of you who can't relate. I hope this blog has made you more aware of infertility. If you want to learn more, please check out these resources and other perspectives:

• RESOLVE - The National Infertility Assosociation: What is Infertility?
• Don’t Ignore People With Infertility – Do You See Me? 
• "A Better Blessing" by Kristi
• The Fertility Authority - Unexplained Infertility
• Bio Girl: One in Eight
• Don't Count Your Eggs